Topic of the discussion
Posted on 1/18/19 5:47 PM
Hello, I’m in real need of advice. I’m in a new relationship with someone who I absolutely adore. We just clicked. He has a baby with an ex who makes things difficult for him, he wants nothing but to step up and be a dad to his son but she plays games with him like not putting him on the birth certificate etc which I know destroys him. When this first happened it was me he turned to - I’ve spent many a night cuddling him while he cries and he’s told me that he couldn’t do this without me. Now, however, it’s obviously getting all too much for him, I can see he’s been struggling and all I want to do is be there for him and show him that I care. I suffer from depression myself but I feel he falls a lot deeper when he feels down than I do. I know that I understand him and I want him to let me in like he used to. I made a mistake and while having a bad day, I said a negative thing about the mother of his baby that I should not have done. On the same day I did this he told me he didn’t know what he wanted anymore, wasn’t sure if a girlfriend is what he wants just now and he needs to take a step back and work out what he wants. We still speak as he said he doesn’t want to shut me out and when we speak on the phone he still says he loves me, I haven’t seen him in a week. I know I need to give him space, he asked for a bit of time. I’m struggling with him wanting to speak to me but not being sure if he wants me. I really need some guidance and help. Am I over thinking this? Or should I prepare myself for it ending? How can I be there for him? I will do whatever it takes. I apologised to him for what I said and explained myself and he was glad that I had apologised and understood me
Beginning of the discussion - 1/20/19My Boyfriend is pushing me away, because of his depression. https://www.carenity.co.uk/forum/depression/symptoms-and-complications-of-depression/my-boyfriend-is-pushing-me-away-because-of-his-depression-2686
Posted on 1/20/19 12:01 AM
This feels like the situation that I am in at the moment my fiancé has been diagnosed with depression over Christmas and he has had a hasooital stay but was discharged nearly two weeks ago but since he has been released he has taken a step back from me is quite distant we still talk but it’s so different I just don’t know what will happen if he needs space to process all the things that have happened in the last month he asked for space and time which I am giving him I just don’t know either what to do or what to say I feel for you I really do i understand how you are feeling we are due to be married this year and it was to be the happiest year and now I just don’t know how it will all pan out if it’s the illness and to just give him time and space it’s just so so hard to know
Posted on 1/21/19 10:01 AM
@Hidden username @Hidden username Hello ladies,
I am very sorry to hear that you are both going through this. Depression is a really tricky and difficult disease that unfortunately is a "family disease" as it has an impact on everyone.
Many people do push their loved ones away when they are depressed because they can genuinely feel that the people in their life will be better off without them. I think you should give him some space...I know it is difficult to do this when you really care about someone but you have to put yourself first. Especially if you're prone to depression.
I hope things look up for you both xx
Posted on 1/21/19 10:54 AM
Thankyou @Hidden username @Hidden username
its so difficult, I’m so desperate to be there for him and giving him time and space is also hard. I just keep thinking that’s he’s going to end it and that is the last thing I want. He’s really difficult to read aswell, some days he barely speaks to me and other he phones me a few times. I don’t show him my hurting, I just make sure he knows I’m strong and there for him. He told me he likes to be by himself when he feels like this and that he isn’t shutting me out (even though he is) so maybe he is just setting me aside until his head is straight and he doesn’t actually want to break it off with me? Being an over thinker is the worst! I know for sure that the man I met at the start isn’t the man he is just now, I’m just hoping that he can sort himself out. He told me that just because he wants to be himself just now doesn’t mean he won’t be like that forever and he probably will let me in? Is this a positive? He also said he respects that I’m still here for him. I just don’t know what to make of it all for my own sanity
Posted on 1/21/19 3:49 PM
I suffer with depression, and when im low, I do the same thing.luckily my husband is very understanding or we would have split up long ago.It must be hard for someone especially if they dont understand what it does to a person.All you can do is be there for him when he needs support
Posted on 2/6/19 2:44 PM
@Hidden username How are things now? I hope you are all keeping well xx
Posted on 2/7/19 10:06 AM
Hello, things are a lot better now although they got a lot worse before they improved.
He got even more distant with me and I knew something was up. He cheated on me with his ex. He told me this himself and although I have not forgiven him or anything I do believe him when he says it was the biggest mistake and wake up call of his life and made him realise how much I have cared for him and supported him through him pushing me away.
I don’t want anyone to judge me for taking him back, I truly cannot see myself with anyone else and he is making up for his mistake. He knows it’s going to take a lot for me to trust him again but we are both willing to work through it. Since this happened and we started working through it I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been and he has told me he has never loved me as much as he does now, but in a deeper way as he has realised how strong I actually am. He respects me a lot more and knows he can confide in me.
I’m not saying everything is perfect, it’s far from that but we are stronger now and I’m determined to put as much into this relationship as I can. And so far he is doing the same, he’s been perfect. Even when I’ve gotten upset about it all he’s been right there. I really do hope we get through this.
Posted on 2/20/19 2:18 PM
Posted on 2/20/19 6:58 PM
Hello, Very sad situation. I have spent the last 5 years standing by, and even now at a distance, supporting the woman I love through her depression. Although she appears to be back to her normal self, she still has periods of being non communicative, and a right pain to deal with, and in the past my mental health suffered. I have known her for over 20 years, and been in an intimate relationship for about 14 years. I now need to distance myself from her, otherwise my mental health is likely to deteriorate even further. This is going to break my heart, but I can not think of any other way to go. I am not a youngster, and life is too short to wait for, in my case, a miracle! My advice would be, to be patient, but be strong enough to walk away before your life is ruined