Nothing but darkness, I really hate living

Today wasn't as bad as I expected, I went to Mind, nobody really said much, I was quite surprised, I told the staff I won't be there on Thursday, and they asked why? so I told them I have to meet with Angela, I did watch as my friend Suzy was doodling, and I felt like joining in, doing some drawing of my own, I haven't felt like doing any drawing for a while, but since arriving home, the positive feelings seem to be subsiding, however I am looking forward to a day out in town tomorrow, and am gonna have a pub lunch with a friend 

Wednesday I go to see Sarah my Anger Management support worker, am looking forward to that, as she always makes me feel calm, so that will help prepare me for Thursday, however rather than meeting Angela at the day centre like she originally suggested, she text me today to suggest we meet at McDonalds, I'm not quite sure about her motives for this change, but that sounds like a good plan to me, and I'll hopefully be more relaxed 

I'm not quite sure about Friday yet, I'm hoping to go for acupuncture, but not entirely sure if I'll make it for acupuncture or not

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x  

Good morning. I have arrived far too early for my course as I decided to walk instead of driving as I refuse to park in Town later whilst I support one of my outreach users at his alcohol support group. I have nipped in to a lovely branch of " Belong" a retirement/ leisure set up & so am having a brew. Perhaps Angela has chosen Mc Donald's so that you won't be anxious. I would take that as a positive on her behalf & she's not out to increase your anxiety. You will be more relaxed in that setting plus distractions going on around you will also help to lighten the situation. Have a good day. Catch up later. Gentle hugs for a positive day. Julie xx

I hope Angela has chosen McDonalds so I won't be so anxious, but I'm not sure, she was supposed to stay in her office all day Thursday, so I'm wondering if there is an alterior motive, perhaps she has told her supervisor about the photo I sent her of my length of rope, and they have told her she has to meet on neutral ground for her safety, or perhaps she realised my 30th birthday  is coming up, so she intends it as a birthday treat, in order to try to win my trust, as she knows I have trust issues, but right now I don't care what her motives are, I like the idea of McDonalds, as it's easy for me to just walk away if I need to, or perhaps the motive is to get me to my housing association's head office in town to see the woman I need to see to try to minimise the stress the recharge notices are causing, but whatever the motive, today I'm gonna enjoy my day out in town, with good pub grub 

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of sunshine and Love*

Stumpy. X x x X 

My day out and lunch  today was fab, I really enjoyed, went to Yates's for food, bought another new pair of trainers in town, haha that's now 2 pairs in 2 days, nothing like shopping for new trainers to put a smile on my face

I've been trying to support a suicidal friend tonight, who was in crisis, she needed a friend and needed to talk, I tried to be there for her, and she seems ok, after a drive down to McDonalds, and a chat and some reassurance, but text to say things went bad when she got home and she'd gone walking the roads with her dogs and stopped by the river, thinking about throwing herself in, I know she didn't, but I'm worried about her, she was posting on Facebook some suicidal like content, but then suddenly went quiet :( I'm hoping she just went to bed, and managed to get some sleep, I'm gonna text her in the morning, and try to get some sleep myself, as I'll be no good to anyone if I'm too tired to function, I'm just crossing my fingers xxx

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. xxx 

Well my friend was ok today, it's me who yet again is struggling more, I just feel really low, and really alone, I've tried messaging my counsellor, but got no reply 

I went to Photography/Arts & Crafts at the drug and alcohol project, I didn't participate, I just sat shaking, drinking coffee with the staff who clearly accept that I was unable to communicate properly, and just left me sit, knowing at least having company helps, even if just a tiny bit 

Sarah my anger management support worker, cancelled my appointment today and rescheduled to tomorrow, so now I see both her and Angela straight after each other, so I'm now quite stressed about it, maybe I could try contacting my counsellor by phone tomorrow, as I feel like drinking, I'm so stressed, but I know it's really not going to help, in fact it will only make things a lot worse, but that doesn't stop the thoughts of desperately wanting a drink, because it's something I did as a coping strategy for such a long time 

On a positive note I went to visit my great uncle today , along with my grandad and my uncles, it felt good to see my great uncle , as he always asks me if I'm ok , I think he knows I'm not by my hesitation, before saying yes, but I'm not able to be honest with him, in front of others, but it's so hard to keep pretending to be happy in front of others when I'm not 

I hate this, I feel so alone, I need comfort, but there isn't any 

I feel like self harming, and have again for the last 2 days, I'm just trying to sit through and ignore the urges, but their getting worse, I think it may be wise for me to try to book an appointment with my GP, I'm due to see the psychiatrist on the 21st, but that still feels like forever, I still have my rope, but I'm not suicidal, I'm just feeling really low, and want a release, I've never been so honest in my thoughts, I even text my counsellor to say I think I need to ask the psychiatrist about an antidepressant, as I wasn't depressed, for a long time they tried treating me with antidepressants, instead of treating my ADHD correctly, but right now I do feel like I'm depressed and can't manage it on my own, the least he could do is reply, everything is getting to me, even just the tiniest of things, it's making me so agitated, that if I don't get anywhere with any of these people soon, I'm gonna cut them all off 

I want to disappear, maybe I can go book into a hotel somewhere and tell nobody where I'm going, dump my phone sim before I go, so nobody can contact me, except through Facebook or forums 

Hope things are going better for you than they are for me xxx

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x x 

Sorry to add yet another update but felt the need to add a little more positivity back in, after today's fairly good day 

I had my Anger Management with Sarah today, it went well, I felt quite relaxed after it, as usual 

I then met with Angela my Housing Association, care & support worker, my meeting with her also went well, and she asked if I've heard from the repair team yet, I said no, she also asked if I've had any further contact or letters, about the recharge notices, again I said no, so she suggested I ignore it for now  

Angela only changed the venue as another of the office workers requested to swap shifts  

I am starting to trust her a little more now, and I agreed she could ring  me next week, she did genuinely seem interested, in if I'm ok or not , and wanted to know if I've been in contact with my GP  yet, but I simply, between all my appointments, haven't had time.

I know my GP  is in the surgery on Monday, as my mum has an appointment to see him, so I'm also gonna tag along, and request to see him. We did laugh about some of my old behaviour quirks  after she asked me about my school days and any trouble or silly things I've done 

I also got rather annoyed today  by a rumour being circulated by someone I used to think of as a friend  who has been spreading around that I'm back on heroin  and I've had to set the record straight for my close family and friends, I have volunteered to undergo drug  testing if they wish  

I did go and have a pint of Lager in the pub. I did stick to 1, although I shouldn't have even had that, as I did have it for the wrong reason , because I was stressed , and I know it can cause more problems than it solves , but I know I can have 1, as the bar staff/land lady/steward won't allow me to have more than 1  

They are aware of my previous issues with alcohol, they are very good like that, and have become friends . I go every Monday for a meal  at the pub , they love to see me happy and sober  I drink juice with my meal   I've also booked my 30th birthday there on the 15th, with a specially requested meal , 16oz T-Bone Steak, and all the trimmings 

I still haven't heard anything from my counsellor, so as time gets closer I'm starting to panic a little more about my psychiatrist appointment  and if or not he is taking me, as I'm not aware if I've annoyed or upset him in some way, perhaps with any of the honest messages I've sent, about my suicidal thoughts, or feeling that I want a drink, I hope not  as it was solely intended so that if I became too unwell during my appointment, he can interject, and relay the needed information from my messages, and have a physical record of the dates I felt more unwell, as usually he takes me to my appointment, and goes in with me, due to my communication difficulties

*Much more positive Hugs, wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x 

Good Morning, Sorry for not getting back to you but things haven't been good here either. As you know via our friendship on here , my partner struggles to cope with things ,especially his CML which is terminal. His appointment at the clinic has been brought forward by a month due to the blood levels rising. He is struggling with this, alongside his ex playing judge/jury. I completely understand his anxiety but I get annoyed/frustrated when he turns to alcohol and then blatantly lies about it. I am absolutely fraught over the lack of finances and work my butt of to address this situation so for him to fritter money that could be paying bills infuriates me no end.

It is hard to understand for me personally why he buries his head in alcohol. I have been to Hell and back as you know but I didn't turn to drink ; I addressed my issues as I realized early on that wherever you run to your problems follow. He just repeats that 'I am strong' but at the end of the day it was a case of having to be. I understand that logic flies out of the window when depressed from my own suicidal thoughts .

Yesterday I was on a day long course and so to return home to him so low was so hard going for me. I love him so much but resentment is creeping in . I work so hard, look after everyone else but I am struggling to find some time for me just to relax and breathe. I truly feel that I am walking round with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I just want to be happy and enjoy life as it is so precious. Like you mention about running away from everyone/thing ,I would in a heartbeat if I knew that when I hit reality all my problems would disappear and as we both know that is never going to happen.

You are right, alcohol isn't your friend if you have issues with it, it can be your worst enemy. My partner is a prime example of that. In his case, he thought that the odd beer didn't matter but it soon increased, then going to wine and now back to whisky; that is his real comfort blanket as it is done in secret. I actually got in to bed and found a bottle in it which meant that as soon as I went out to work , he had a drinking binge in bed. I was upset and so angry as I thought that we had sorted it.

It was good to read that you had a good meeting with Angela, I am sure that she has good intentions regarding your situation.

Some so called 'friends' have nothing better to do than to drag someone down with lies. Rise above it and ignore it as the more you protest then the more attention the lies are being given.

Just focus on yourself and looking after you.

Oh well, I am off to work now. Chat later.

Hugs + love .

Julie xxxx

So sorry to hear you're partner had a drinking binge again, and I hope you're able to get through to him that despite how stressed he feels, that he needs to consider you're feelings too, and that drinking is only going to make his blood levels rise further, it's so sad to read, I hate the judge and jury situation with his ex, but perhaps it'd be good for him to know others like me who don't even know him, can sympathize, and that for what it's worth I feel that he doesn't deserve to be hated, ignored by his kids and further persecuted by his vile ex, or by himself with drink, that only makes his health worse and makes him and others around him who love him suffer more, perhaps remind him to be gentle with himself, and try to enjoy himself in a positive way without drinking 

I'm not sure what he likes, and I know this may sound silly, but I know I always enjoy the fun and silliness of playing a board game like monopoly, I know you're working a lot and perhaps there's little time for such things, but as I always say we're never too old for monopoly, something I always enjoy if I'm winning or losing, as it takes my mind off the seriousness of reality for just a little while, perhaps something like this or similar will help your partner relax a little more and let loose, have a little fun and laugh, without the need for alcohol 

Running away for me, removing myself from the situation, often works for a short while, but yes you're right eventually in the long term I always eventually get dragged back and have to face things, so I guess the reality is it can never help in the long run, if I lived close enough I'd meet you, like I have others, if you had time between all the work commitments and family that is, and escape even if it was just for a spot of lunch, sometimes even escaping our normal lives for a few hours helps a lot, or at least it does for me 

Alcohol is not my friend, but I guess I'm lucky, as I was able to keep it to, just the one pint, everyone are quite amazed, but that is only something I can do at the pub, and I have to ensure I don't have more thoughts of drinking outside of the pub, but some good news on that side of things, is that my counsellor finally got in touch tonight, and is taking me to my psychiatrist appointment, so it appears he is back in work, and I should see him next week before my psychiatrist appointment, in order to address the urge to have a drink, and find a better more positive action to replace it with, it was the thought of seeing my psychiatrist, possibly without my counsellor that pushed my stress levels over the level I felt I could cope with.

I'm trying to focus on myself and rise above the rumours, but wanted to give my family and close friends the opportunity to request I be drugs tested, that way there could be, no further arguments surrounding the matter.

I actually had a good day today too, I went for a nice relaxing acupuncture session, where I felt floaty, and knew I'd bleed after because of that feeling, and I always know I've had a good session if I bleed, I don't know why, but I always feel more relaxed if I bleed after it, it's not a large amount of blood, only a very tiny amount, but it's such a profound effect, something that makes me feel like trying it on other areas of the body, besides my ears, where I usually have it done, just to see, if it has, any, great benefits, having it done, on other areas, of the body 

I'm off to town tomorrow to meet my friend Debby for the first time, I met her through the mydepressionteam forum, it's one of the other forums I frequent, she lives about 40 miles from me, so we are meeting up, in town, I'm actually really excited, she like you has been really supportive, and we became friends, it feels like we've known each other for years, so we're gonna have some food and talk face to face for the first time 

I know some people question the safety of meeting up, but I am friends with her on Facebook too, and she is a really nice person, although I do still take precautions for my safety like meeting in public, ensuring someone knows where I am and what time I'm expected to arrive home, but I'm sure everything will be fine, and I'll have a great time 

Hope you're work wasn't too stressful, and that you've had a better day XXX

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of happiness, positivity and Love*

Stumpy. X x x 

Many thanks Stumpy for your kind words and support. My partner is a really ,wonderful person and I don't know anyone who dislikes him. He is so loved by all the service users at the club that he volunteered at. He is just struggling coming to terms with what is going on.

His ex is a poor excuse for a human being. I am a firm believer in Karma.

Having experienced what it is like to be left looking after not only yourself but your then teenage children is no walk in the park. On numerous occasions I have pointed out to him that she broke the wedding vows, she is seeing the builder who is responsible for breaking the marriage up. Their children are at the difficult stage of hormones raging, pushing boundaries etc and boy will she know it as the builder is still in her life and so it will be 'testosterone at dawn',

My youngest was 16, but he was 'kind' to me and is a very loving caring person who looked out for me and we supported each other. He suffered personally but he didn't have any male dictating as I wasn't with anyone. He still looks out for me now and thank goodness, he gets on well with my partner ; for most of the time . It wasn't easy but we got through and I am the coolest mum according to his mates.

Yes, my partner ran away from his issues of not wanting to be living in another country working 12 hour shifts constantly to provide but the break down that he had over there was taken out of his control. He was also suffering from his illness but didn't know it. The doctors over there didn't pick up on it. She chooses to ignore the causes of his drinking, only focusing on it but that is merely to justify her actions.

My partner doesn't do 'alone'  as that is when his mind goes in to over drive. I know that next week after his hospital appointment he will be ok. I feel sick at just thinking about it and so I can only imagine how terrifying it must be for him and so I do try to be patient. He drinks when he is really, really low . He had been doing so well but none of us are perfect and it is just a set back in my eyes. 

I love nothing more than a good giggle, as does he. We have only been together for almost 2 years but we do like doing silly things and laughing a lot ;something sadly, that we haven't had much of recently. 

Sadly, I have decided that the bakery isn't for me as I discovered last week that I was expected to be 'self employed'; meaning no holiday pay [he closes over Christmas/Easter] plus I would have to sort out my own N/I and Tax. I was annoyed on being paid  on discovering this as I did message him prior to starting requesting whether it would be PAYE/Self Cert and he didn't reply. There were other issues that made alarm bells ring. I am now furiously looking for another job to work alongside my support work.

I have been so stressed over the last few days and my partner didn't help by drinking. Stumpy, it is pointless telling him that I don't deserve to be treated like I am when he drinks; although he isn't abusive ,he is just totally selfish which I can remember being when I was really ill with depression. I can remember a friend who spent over 11 months in a psychiatric unit telling me that you can tell when some one who is suffering from depression is feeling better as they will not talk /think about themselves constantly. It is true, as he never considers me ie; how my work day has gone, makes me a brew when I arrive home from work etc.

I no longer feel so stressed regarding informing the owner that I won't be working at the shop anymore and the decision to leave. I did talk to my partner but at the end of the day the decision is mine. My partner thinks that I am such a strong person who won't let anyone walk over me which is true but I hate upsetting anyone and wouldn't purposely do it....unless it is my ex.

As mentioned previously, I believe in Karma and so I am mindful.

Brilliant news that you are back in touch with your counsellor; you will feel better just having him there with you ,even if he doesn't chip in.

I am off work today, I was due in one of the houses [support] tonight but due to the mental health of my partner I had requested that someone else covered it. I have been given the ok to take it off and advised to book it as a holiday. I am undecided as to go out and do some gardening or freshen up the paintwork in the lounge.!!

Have an amazing day out with Debby.

Much love , my lovely friend.

Julie xxx

Sorry to hear that the Bakery, is not for you, and that the boss wasn't open about if or not it was self cert, that is bad and understandably infuriating, I hope you find something else that you enjoy that isn't self cert, it sounds like really disappointing news, as you seemed to enjoy the work it's self, but I know that's quite common with businesses like Bakeries, Corner Shops, and other small businesses.

I'm glad you are staying strong, and believe in Karma, I really hope Karma does work it's magic in all the situations that leave us persecuted and angry 

Nice to hear you have taken the day off to support your partner with his mental health, maybe you can introduce some of the fun that the 2 of you have missed out on, if you can motivitate him a little, do the garden together, and make it fun, or freshen up the paintwork in the living room, and make it joint effort, paint a fun picture and then paint over it, or if you have enough paint, me and my ex when painting used to dip our fingers in the pain and paint each others noses, making fun and a laugh out of painting 

I'm going for food in town with Debby but not entirely sure where yet, but I'll definitely enjoy, I'm on my way to town on the bus now, so getting more excited as I get closer to town 

I don't think my counsellor will have much option if he chips in at my psychiatrist appointment or not , as if it is my actual psychiatrist rather than another psych from the team, I won't be able to speak, I'd previously requested not to see my psych, but my friend Alison had done the same, and confirmed that it was him she saw on the last appointment, I think the other psych's from the team may have left again, there is a very high turn around of psych's in our area, hence they kept cancelling my psych appointments, this accounts for my higher stress levels a little too, as my actual psych is a horrible, insensitive rude man  so I am very relieved that my counsellor is there for me, and taking me/going in with me 

Hope you have a good day today 

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. X x x