Coping with depression after the loss of a parent

Hi

Wasn"t sure where to post this but just wanted to open up about something  I'm experiencing.

Have been suffering with depression since my 20's (now 52). I had been living with my elderly parents for a while who both hd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. With medication I have been able to outwardly look like I have been coping but not really dealing with pent up emotions. Due to my father's worsoning condition it was becoming apparent that he was becoming a danger to my mothers well being so to cut a long story short he has ended up in a care home. So over the past 2-3 years it's been me and various carers looking after mum. Things seemed ok before covid with my mum going to a day centre and although she was becoming more confused there and at home it was what it was. She was meeting people ,getting excercise  etc. Then covid struck and the day centre was closed. I started working from home and was able to keep an eye on her, wash, dress and make her comfortable. She became more distressed at the end of june but I couldn't communicate with her to find out why but she kept saying she was worried, scared and help me. After a couple of days I called an ambulance and they were concerned with her heart. She had never smoked or was overweight. If anything she was underweight. They eventually found out that she had suffered a heart attack but there was no indication it was life threatening and many days they said she would be home one day or the next. Unfortunately she died on 1st July and I'm heartbroken. I wasnt able to visit her and I desperately thought her seeing a recognisable face would see her through. I've been having suicidal thoughts and even prepared everything to hang myself. The house is now empty of everything, love, meaning, companionship etc. I have always found it hard to open up about my feelings which has definitely contributed to my on and off depression and now I'm rock bottom I have no other choice. I'm not sure how posting this is supposed to help. I have her funeral on 17th july and the dark clouds are growing more and more and there seems no escape. Maybe I just want one person to say I'll be ok. Love Alan.