Testimonial: Gradually Sinking into Depression
8 Jun 2020 • 2 comments
Rubis28, a member of Carenity France, wanted to share her story about the gradual onset of depression following repeated traumas during her adolescence. Today, she reveals her daily struggle to overcome depression.
Hello Rubis28, you wanted to speak about depression.
First of all, could you tell us more about yourself?
Hello! I'm almost 23 years old and I'm currently working as an interim order preparer within a large corporation. We manage the unsold goods, store them and send them back if necessary.
My main passion is drawing. I dabble in everything: Indian ink, watercolour, felt-tip pens, charcoal... I listen to music and read a lot. I also love to wander around on walks.
At what point did you begin to feel worse? How did you notice it?
The depression came on pretty fast. It's a pretty complicated story. In Year 9, a supposed "friend" and a friend of his sexually abused me three times. I never told my family about it.
I noticed that I was not doing so well as soon as people around me started telling me that I didn't talk much and that I had an empty look in my eyes. At that point, I began to have dark thoughts and an urge to self-harm.
A second severe depression came in 2018 coupled with a suicide attempt. At that time, I had just had an accident at work. I gained a lot of weight. I had to change my career path. I had no support from my ex-partner, neither physically nor morally, who also abused me sexually.
You gradually fell into depression. How is your mental health now? What are the signs and symptoms of depression in your daily life?
Depression is complicated to deal with on a daily basis. There are days when everything is fine and others when I feel like I'm going through hell. It's a long and painful descent. I never know when I'll fall, but I do know that I'll make it sooner or later. During the day, it's easier to manage because I see people. However, in the evening it's a bit 'apocalyptic' so I draw to escape.
Have you been diagnosed with depression? Are you being treated?
My doctor noticed that I wasn't feeling well and referred me to a psychologist. The psychologist made me feel guilty about what happened to me. He said, "You know, there are worse things that happen to you than you do to other people. You must have been looking for those boys! You should have been careful, they're men!".
These sessions made me want to fight the disorder on my own.
My current partner is very supportive. I find comfort in Carenity as well.
Are you taking any medication(s)?
I was taking alprazolam, but after 5 months of treatment, I felt no effect. So I decided to stop all treatment.
How have your depression symptoms evolved?
Sometimes it just gets worse and worse! I don't see anything, don't hear anything, just emptiness... and I cry a lot. I still have hope because there are whole weeks or months where "everything is fine".
Do your family and friends know about this? Are they supportive?
My boyfriend knows and supports me. My family has never really taken my illness seriously. According to them, "I'm too young to be depressed".
Does your depression have an impact on your professional and/or personal life?
Depression does not have an impact on my professional life. I am a very reserved and shy person so no one sees it. However, my personal life does suffer the consequences. I withdraw, I'm nervous and on edge. I sleep very badly. I laugh almost never. There are times when I want to go many placed and do many things, others when I don't want to leave my house.
Have you seen any signs of improvement with your partner's support?
I really feel listened to and supported by my boyfriend. I feel less lonely. Telling him about my depression has taken a weight off my shoulders.
Is there anything you'd like to say or advice you'd like to give to people who also suffer from depression?
I would like patients with depression to realise their importance on earth. That even though life may seem completely dark, you have to know how to step back, find some activities, talk to those around you and, above all, accept the help that is offered to you.
You have to take care of your body and mind!
But above all, you should never feel useless or out of place. And you must never give up, even if nothing goes your way!
Sometimes, a small change or a new encounter can be a real turning point!
Many thanks to Rubis28 for agreeing to share her story on Carenity.
And you, have you ever been at a point where you sank into a depression? What were the first signs?
Feel free to share it in the comments, we are here to support one another!