Suicidal thoughts, not coping, how to get treatment without carrying out my plans?
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I'm feeling really suicidal, the psychiatrist cancelled my appointment, and I don't see my counsellor or support worker until next week, I have made a plan to take my own life, something I've never really done before, but before I resort to carrying out that plan, I'm trying to find ways to get the treatment I need. One last attempt to try to be rational, I've thought of trying to see the Police PCSO's to get across just how bad I feel, in the hope that they can help me get some emergency treatment, or I've also thought of going to the drug and alcohol project, to the walk-in service, and speaking with them to ask for their assistance, as they have their own psych team, but their so overstretched, that seeing them is impossible, but if I tell them of my intentions, perhaps they may make an exception, I can't think of any other way I can access emergency treatment, going to A&E is not an option, as it's too far to travel, I'd likely carry out my plan before I get there, and A&E have this nasty way of deliberately treating me so badly they make me feel worse, and make mistakes like giving me things I can harm myself with, so I have no trust for A&E.
Are there any other ways to access emergency treatment, knowing you need treatment to continue to keep yourself safe?
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Talking is your best option. Nothing is as bad as it seems.
Phone the mental health crisis team and tell them exactly how you are feeling. Do it asap and get the ball rolling.
Always here to chat.
Hope that you soon get sorted.
Hi there do you have any friends or family members that you can talk to? Sometimes that is the best therapy until you can see your psychiatrist. Please dont harm yourself. How you feel is awful but things usually are not as bad as it seems in your mind. When thoughts in our heads run around like mad it is often too dificult to see things clearly. Sending you a big hug xx
The mental health crisis team are a joke, the only time they rear their heads is after you come out of psych ward to ensure you take your meds, I really don't see any point in turning to their non-existent service, the police are far more helpful than the crisis team have ever been, I'm headed off to Mind in 15 minutes, hoping the Police PCSO's turn up today, they are due, maybe they can help me before things get to a really bad place where I end up putting myself in danger, thing is when ill I have a compulsion to climb electric pylons, but electric is dangerous, family and friends don't understand, and only get annoyed if I'm feeling suicidal, but they seem to have very narrow minds in the fact they often can't see that I'm really trying to do what's best for myself if I get arrested on a 136, for my own safety, they get annoyed, but if I tell them I'm feeling suicidal they also get annoyed, so I can't win when it comes to family and friends, I'll let my counsellor and anger management support worker know if I get 136'd, so they can provide me some support after it as a diversion to try to take my mind away from that, to try to prevent a repeat episode requiring yet another 136, it's just a shame that in my area services are so bad, a 136 is the best I can hope for xx
Thanks both for the support and hugs xx
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I do hope that your mind is in a calmer place Stumpy. Sadly, the NHS is overstretched, along with all the other emergency services and so things will be moving at what appears to be at snails pace; if moving at all. A friend of mine who is a desk sergeant stated how much of police time is tied up with mental health issues; which is a sad thing. I know that this doesn't help you or any one else struggling for support. Can you identify what triggers off your suicidal thoughts? Have you tried to have strategies in place for when you feel the dark cloud bubbling? Unless you have experienced mental illness and the horrible bubble that wraps around you it is hard to fully understand the grip it has on the individual. I am sure that your family/friends have the best intentions regarding you. They could also be frustrated .
Talking really is the best tool available ; whether it be to family/ friend , professional or even on here . The beauty of this group is that we understand as we all have our own personal stories but with the same emotions/thoughts so you are never alone.
Keep posting /chatting.
Be gentle on yourself.
Big hugs wrapped with love
Hey Julie, my current crisis was fuelled by my Psychiatrist cancelling my appointment, that I really needed, as my medication needs to be reviewed as it's no longer effective, they give no reasons, and not only did they reschedule from December to April, they've now sent another letter cancelling April too, leaving me feeling lost, trapped and without adequate meds.
I feel like they have ruined my chance of a comfortable Christmas, as there will be constant tension between me and my family, as I feel so unstable on my current meds, all because all the psychiatrists choose to go on annual leave all at the same time, now they say they'll send me another appointment in due course, it's one big joke, my Ritalin is supposed to be closely monitored, but it appears the Mental Health Service don't care, so now I've had to resort to seeing my GP after becoming suicidal and making a suicide attempt.
My GP's prescribed extra medications to bridge the gap, the medications are not really suitable, just a bid to deliberately intoxicate me, to prevent more suicidal behaviour, as he doesn't know how else to help.
The PCSO's were unavailable last week, their coming to see me tomorrow to discuss the danger of my last suicide attempt, using a lethal euthanasia drug that I purchased, however I was stopped by a drug dealer when I attempted to pick up a cartridge and sharps, or I'd no longer be here.
My GP has given me the intoxicating meds only on a temporary basis, in the hope I can see a psych to be reviewed properly, but it just appears the psych is unavailable, can't be bothered, and simply doesn't care, my GP doesn't have the authority to amend my Ritalin dosage, so now when my Ritalin wears off, I take Beta Blockers & Diazepam to bridge the gap, so my blood pressure is bounced up and down like a bouncy ball bouncing between floor and ceiling, causing giddiness and an almost intoxicated feeling, the Diazepam is just to bring me back up after the spike of the Beta Blockers, it's like being on an elastic band, far from ideal.
I am a lot calmer than I've been, but it's just because I'm in a medication induced constant intoxicated state, so I'm unable to think about anything in-depth, and don't have the focus to research or make any online purchases, it's like being foggy with a mix of bouncing up and down between happy and sad, without the allowance of reaching despair.
Christmas is never easy for me, as it brings on hyper thought, racing thoughts, of my childhood abuse, and the gifts my abuser used to buy me, to buy my silence, and makes me think of the good vs the bad, about my unemployed parents who were in debt during my childhood, and the way I didn't have the things other kids had, and at Christmas time the thoughts of the bailiffs taking away my toys, the expense of Christmas and the alcohol fuelled arguments has always made Christmas a difficult time, however I also think about things like, as much as I mostly hate my abuser for what he did to me, for hurting me, part of me also loved him, have you ever been that confused? it meant I was bought things I wouldn't otherwise have had, and after hurting me, he was intimately close he'd hug and cuddle me, something my family didn't do with their "naughty child", my ADHD made my childhood a misery, and Christmas makes me feel upset, as now I'm unable to be close with anyone. I'd rather be alone, in solitary confinement where I don't have to see or talk to anyone, just give me the right meds, and I'm quite happy and content with my MacBookPro, WiFi, a jigsaw puzzle, and pens and paper, a mattress, duvet and pillows, some coloured lights, as I love sensory items because of my Autism, and a teddy to cuddle, I won't ever need to leave or need human contact, that's everything I need, besides food and a toilet of course.
So I guess my crisis is fuelled by my dysfunctional childhood, and family life, and having very little chance of ever having a good Christmas without the thoughts that plague me, at least the Ritalin slows down those thoughts, but the Ritalin dose is no longer sustaining me to a satisfying level it's wearing off much too quickly, leaving me open to the hyper and racing thoughts.
I try to have lots of strategies in place to deal with these thoughts, but how successful any of them can ever be, or how safe they are depends on just how long I've had to struggle alone.
Thanks for your support, it is appreciated, but as you can see I'm trapped in a very frustrating situation, that I appear to have no way out of.
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Ceri, Many thanks for sharing your life. I feel so angry at what happened to your "childhood'. We all have a right to live in a safe environment and you clearly didn't. Reading your post ; understandably you have anger towards what you "missed out on"and the total lack of loving parents. Every child deserves love and to feel loved. My parents were good but being the shyest 1 out of 5 ,I felt unloved and left out. All my siblings were either the favourite of my parents of some relative. I never felt like I belonged; but I realized that I needed to leave those thoughts and get on with my life for me.
The important thing is to attempt to let go of the emotions and channel them in to something that will have a positive outcome for you. How you would even attempt to do this is something that only you can do/decide; as you will be well aware the really hard work has to be done as individuals. The medication can only do so much. It is appalling that you have been cast aside ,especially over Christmas when those struggling pre Christmas are basically left outside. Christmas can be a depressing time if your feeling alone, low etc. When I was feeling at rock bottom, I felt physically sick at the thought of trying to get through Christmas day weeks before it so basically I was setting myself up to fail and despite having my older children around me on the day, I just wanted it to be over so that I could hide in my bed. I do understand how you look back as I would lie in bed re living all of our Christmas's as a family. My heart goes out to you Ceri. The time to let go has to happen or it will continue to eat in to you. You deserve to do it for "you" as you are the important one whom by the sounds of it really has so much love to give + I know that I am not wrong on that comment.
I totally " get" how you" hated your abuser but loved him " at the same time as it was a form of "affection". As an adult , I am sure that you realize that it wasn't love. As children we all thrive on the need to feel loved, in fact even as adults we do. In my darkest days, as my friends remind me how I would comment on how no one would ever love me. I was wrong, my path has been a long, hard struggle with all the dark thoughts of how I had no future... but I was wrong .
It isn't easy stepping outside what /where you feel safe but it was the attitude [ obviously in time with meds + a lot of self help] that has got me to my wonderful life today, Yes, I have low days but who doesn't?
Have you ever thought of helping out as a volunteer?
I am a support worker for those with learning difficulties, a job that I had never ever thought of doing. It meant stepping outside my comfort zone but it was the best thing ever. I started off firstly at a club meeting as a leader ;if I wanted the role. I was terrified, but it wasn't as frightening after a while; despite it meaning that I have to stand up in front of 60+ members and talk. Hand on my heart it was the best thing I have ever done for "me". I love it.
Have you tried the YMCA for support, ie helping out /meeting others?
Please try and find ways to divert your thoughts and not focus on medication as much. I know you are probably thinking "What does she know"etc but I am on outside whilst you are in the very middle and so a obviously not seeing what I see .
Please, please try and stay away from the suppliers; they are not your friend. Your life can be better but you need to get yourself in to a clearer ,calm place. Ceri, you can do it but you must be believe in yourself.
Please try and make something good out of what must be a horrendous past. Take control of you and your future and taking your own life isn't the answer as I am sure that you realize that is just a desperate measure asking for help. Channel that urge in to something positive. The mind can be so cruel on us and logic flies out of the window. Continue to fight off those callings.
I am always here to chat and offer support, so please message me any time.
Try and calm your frantic mind. Don't let it win.
Little by little ,day by day.
Big hugs Ceri.
It's very interesting what you've wrote, yes I'm back on this site as I'm at my lowest point again and have no one to turn too. I'm not in the system now as it's been a few years since I tried to commit suicide but them thoughts are with my a lot now. I'm maxed out on anti-depressants and I won't go to see a mental health worker as if I end up back in hospital again it makes me worse.
What you say about A&E Ceri I can relate too as I heard they don't like anyone that makes an attempt on the life. Yes the police are quick to give out a 136 and whilst in hospital I lost count of all the different sections I was given anything from 12 hours up to being in a lock up ward for 6 months giving me a total of just short of 10 months in hospital. I don't trust none of them they just want shot of you as quick as they can. I'm self harming at present as it's the only way to break the tension.
Anyways big hugs Ceri and hope you continue to keep well.
Hi. I feel terrible sharing this but I constantly feel suicidal and feel so low. I started three years ago feeling this way and tried several times to end my life but couldn't do it. About four months ago I plucked up the courage to tell my doctor and my boss how I felt which was a weight of my shoulders. But recently when I tell people I'm not feeling well today I feel really low can I talk I can see them backing off so now I'm back into that corner where I'm feeling suicidal again. It's terrible I feel this way - I've even gone so far as researching the 'easiest' way to die. I hate feeling this way - it's not me - but everything I do like counselling and talking seems to back fire. Anyway thank you for letting me share this.
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Hi Jacqui, I have bad news for you, every time I become depressed I feel suicidal and I've spoken to others in the same situation and they too have the same thought's. I have none of my old friends now there all scared to be anywhere near me! so you need to find some new ones that are in a similar situation as yourself as I've found these are the only ones that are willing to chat with you and be there when thing's get low. I used to attend a day center where there were others with mental health problems and I made some good friends but due to cut backs the center was closed, similar to the local Mind ^drop in^ they moved to another town which is a bit of a distance for me. I lost all my support, social worker, care worker all due to cut backs, unfortunately now no one is interested in people with mental health issues. I had a bad experience with the Samaritans, so now I won't contact them. All I have now is my little dog that's always with me, even now I'm having to type with my left hand as she's asleep on my right hand and I don't want to disturb her! as she's all I have. I have children but the don't care about me and never bother to contact me and my daughter checks to see if I've been on Face book to see if I'm alive or dead!!!
What you need to do is go to your GP and tell them how you feel, they can give you referrals to people that can help. If anyone is reading this and thinking why don't I do that is because when I went down that road I ended up being sectioned, put on a lock up ward and spent nearly 10 months in hospital and I don't like hospitals as they make me worse and don't want to go there again. Everything I'm telling you to do is the opposite to what I do but that's my choice!!! If you feel suicidal tell your GP then they can get you a care plan with numbers to call and people to talk too. Phone the Samaritans you'll be fine talking to them and it helps to talk.
So a BIG HUG for you hun , and take care and if I can help you in any way just give me a shout.
@itgetsbetter Hi Julie I shared my life, in a bid to help give me enough confidence to also share it with the Samaritans and my counsellor, most people are angry at what happened to my "childhood'. Sometimes it just seems having the right to live in a safe environment just doesn't seem to matter. I have a lot of anger towards what I've "missed out on" and the total lack of loving parents. Although most people feel every child deserves love and to feel loved, this is something I've never felt, and struggle to accept, I've always felt I'm not deserving of love, because I'm just that naughty child, just like the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service suggested, when I was first referred to services. I've always felt unloved and left out, as my brother was ill with both constipation and soiling episodes, and underwent many operations to try to right his health issues whilst I was ignored, and treated like the black sheep. My brother was the golden child, first born, who could do no wrong, in my parents eyes. I too never felt like I belonged, I felt like an alien trying to live in a human world.
I am trying to attempt to let go of the emotions and channel them in to something that will have a positive outcome, I'm trying to volunteer with the drug and alcohol project, in a bid to become a counsellor, to give something positive back, but it's such an uphill struggle to get the support I need to remain positive enough to continue to try to achieve my goal.
The medication can only do so much, but is something I've come to rely on, I'm definitely at a more stable place in my life, than I've ever been, being cast aside is something I've experienced a lot throughout my life, trying to get anyone to listen, and trying to get people to stop ignoring me, is proving somewhat a challenge, especially during the Christmas period, when I often struggle more than usual. Being left outside at Christmas can be a very depressing time and leave me feeling very alone.
Hating my abuser but also loving him, is exactly how I also feel about my dad, things are very complicated, as my dad also contributed to my abuse. You'd be proud, I confided in my counsellor today about my suicidal thoughts, the Nembutal I purchased, and my abuse, including the abuse I suffered at the hands of my own dad, that I was highly confused about, something I'd only opened up to the Samaritans about on Wednesday, and that the people here, and on another forum I post on, gave me the courage to finally open up about, the only way I know to explain it is by pasting part of my email to the Samaritans, as I don't feel strong enough to keep typing it.
"I've still not finished sharing my deepest darkest thoughts yet, I'm not sure if anyone has heard of covert incest, well the term brings confusion for me, as I'm unable to really distinguish if or not that is one thing I experienced, and that is one of the things that scares me the most, as if I did, trying to find a way to express that to my counsellor would be really difficult for me, as my counsellor knows my dad, and already has a dim view of him and the effect he has on me and has previously had on my life, because of his drinking, and because the way he was violent to both me and my mum when I was a child, feeding me alcohol from a baby, and treating me as a drinking partner as a teenager, fuelling my issues with drugs and alcohol.
My dad, right from a young child used to sit me on his lap and play with my breasts, usually when drunk, he did this right up until I was 16, quite often in front of my mum, it wasn't something he hid, and often seemed like he did it as a joke, and towards the end used the excuse that he was checking me for lumps, but also often used to grin and laugh, like he was using it for pleasure, is this just normal father daughter banter, or was it wrong? he also did it in front of my school friends, making both them and me feel uncomfortable, by the time I was 16 & a 1/2 I put my foot down and stopped him doing it, but of course it had already caused confusion, causing me to be confused about sexual boundaries, and led to my childhood abuse, by the father of one of my best friends at the time, is/would this be considered covert incest? I'm unsure, but the thoughts that plague me about it, still effect me quite badly, because I feel I shouldn't be thinking like this, I feel guilty for thinking like it, as it almost makes me feel like I partially blame my dad for my childhood abuse, but he's my dad and I shouldn't, I still love him as he's mostly still always been there, to love me, to look after me and protect me, as a parent should, but that doesn't stop me thinking and wondering about it, and if it was in fact wrong, it was already hard for me to understand boundaries because of my Autism, although it wasn't diagnosed back then."
My counsellor made me feel so much better about it, for sharing it, making me feel comfortable and cared about, which is the only approval I sometimes need, my counsellor considers it yet another form of sexual abuse, helping me to put things into perspective :)
I am trying to find ways to divert my thoughts and not focus on medication as much, I never judge or question the the thoughts and advice of others, this is why I find my counsellor so good, as he too gives me advice, and thoughts and perspectives of someone outside looking in.
I really am trying to stay away from the suppliers, hence going to my GP in crisis for help, I know they're not my friends. I am in a much clearer, calmer place today.
I really am trying to make something good out of my horrendous past, trying to take control of myself and my future with the help of my Counsellor, the Samaritans, and everyone here, and on other forums I also post on, I know taking my own life isn't the answer, but sometimes the thoughts and attempts, are just a desperate measure of asking for help, as all other means of asking for help just seem to fall on deaf ears. I'm trying to channel that urge in to something positive, into trying to get services to work to help me and others, and to try to ensure these things can't happen to anybody else.
I have to fight with my thoughts every day, it is tiring, but I'm trying not to ever give up.
Thank you so much for your support :)
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