Recurrent depression - losing hope
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Hi everyone, I am new to this forum and would like to give a bit of background about myself. Sorry if it is a bit lengthy, but I would really appreciate any advice.
I have had 2 serious episodes of depression, once when I was 17 and again in the past year (I am now 21). I have been treated with antidepressants but they don't seem to work for me, but I have recently started psychotherapy which has been very useful.
The thing I struggle the most with is the suicidal thoughts. This time around it started just before Christmas. I was in my final year of studying at University. I lost all motivation. I managed to make it to lectures but the rest of the time I would spend in bed feeling miserable. I was having nightmares every night and was prescribed diazepam to help that.
All I would do all day is fantasise about how I would end my life. But strangely, That would calm me down. I would think, 'there is always a way out if things get bad, but I don't have to do it now. I carry on for the time being'.
Then in February I got a boyfriend. He is perfect and the only time I feel happy is when I am with him. But he knows nothing of my mental illness. We have been together 5 months and will now have to be in a long distance relationship since I am moving 2hours away from where he lives.
So there is the fault in my way of coping with the suicidal thoughts. There is no longer a way out, because I couldn't do that to him. He is the only person I am close to who has no idea I have been depressed so he would not understand. You may think it is good that suicide is no longer on the cards but I feel trapped. I hope this makes sense.
I am about to graduate, my results come out on Wednesday. I am fairly certain I have mucked up my degree. The anxiety of not seeing my boyfriend as much as I used to, moving away, trying to find a job with no job prospects is dragging me into such a dark place.
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Hi basil depression has a way of making us see the negative in everything and when we have a lot going on in our lives or big changes taking place it's overwhelming and anxiety can make problems seem insurmountable.Your health and well being are your first and foremost priority.have you spoken to anyone about your suicide ideation? Maybe seeing someone to adjust or change your meds or a local support group.how are you feeling since you posted?
I have spoken to my therapist about suicidal thoughts on many occasions but it never seems a cause for concern as I have explained that it is more of a fantasy then a plan. I have tried medication but nothing seemed to work - the more stimulating ones like Prozac kept me up at night and made my anxiety worse and the more sedating ones like duloxetine left me bed bound and I had no concentration. I prefer not taking medication as I have a clearer mind and try my best to manage the lows in other ways.
Since I last posted things have been slightly better. My degree results came out yesterday and I graduated with a 2.2 which is a great achievement considering how unwell I was when I sat the exams. But the elation quickly faded as my perfectionism issues kicked in and now I feel like I could have done better. But I was convinced I had failed so that is a great weight off my mind.
I still feel very anxious about my boyfriend. I am at my parents home for the summer and he is still at university. We have not yet arranged a time when we will next see each other. He is working and so he needs to tell me when would be a good time to visit. But that could be in a week, or it could be next month. The uncertainty of not knowing when/if I will see him again is making me very anxious.
Congratulations on your exams that's a fantastic achievement especially with everything that was going on you should take great solace in that.Glad to hear you have someone to share your Thoughts and feelings with I think that's the most positive way of dealing with depression and anxiety.I understand your frustration with medication it can take a long time to find one that works with manageable side effects.Do you do anything to manage your anxiety with relaxation techniques or exercise?Can you contact your boyfriend on social media skype or a good old fashion telephone call would that alleviate some of your anxiety?
I don't have any ways to manage my anxiety. My boyfriend is very busy and doesn't have much time to talk. I know I should keep myself busy but I have about a week and a half with no plans. All my friends are busy apart from at weekends. I am starting feel very lonely and having too much time to think makes the anxiety worse. Does anyone know any things you can do to keep busy on your own? I really want to get out the house and do something but I feel too low, its a vicious cycle.
What are you anxious about?
Why do you believe you need to kill yourself?
If you have a week and a half without plans, then rather than navel gazing on your own problems, why not look to a charity that is desperate for volunteers.
When we do something for someone in greater need than ours or less well off than us, our 'problems', can disappear.
There MUST be organisations where you live that could do with a helping hand. Elderly, childrens groups, local churches are always desperate for willing volunteers for people less fortunate than us.
Any Homeless charities where you live..?
I have a lot of free floating anxiety. The minute I resolve one issue, I can always find something else to worry about. The most common things I worry about are starting a career, my relationship, and my social life. I am hoping to get more therapy to help with this but things have been a bit hectic lately with moving to a different city.
Volunteering sounds like a very good idea. I sent in a application to volunteer at a national trust cafe near me the other day but I am worried that by they time they get back to me I will be busy again. I really should have organised something sooner.
Basil. WHAT are you worried/anxious about?? Can you be specific? What on earth is 'floating' anxiety meant to be?
Have you heard about the Acronim F.E.A.R.?
As I used to tell my daughter when she was little. 99% of things you worry about, NEVER come to fruition.
Perfect Love Casts out ALL Fear.
Hi. My heart goes out to you as you are struggling with anxieties at such a young age. Your counselor should be taking your suicide ideas more seriously and so should you. I made that mistake and regretted it. Have you a friend to share your feelings with? Dont be afraid to share you will be surprised at how good people are when you tell them how you feel. You sound like you feel very alone and that is hard to overcome. Do your parents know how bad it is for you at the moment. I think you have a kind heart and a bright future ahead of you. There is a lifetime of opportunities waiting on you. Go get them!!!
I think the reason the counsellor doesn't take the suicide ideas seriously is because I'm in a much better place now than I was 4 months ago. In February I remember thinking I wouldn't make it till summer because the urge was so strong, it was almost unbearable to live another day. I would look up ways to do it, start clearing my room so it would be easier for my parents to sort things when I was gone. But now I have no plans, no sense of urgency, its merely a nagging in the back of my mind. Its still a horrible feeling to have to deal with though.
I have close friends who know of my situation but I feel like a burden sometimes. Most of them are happy to listen but I feel like they secretly wish I would get back to my old, fun-loving self. I wish I could just snap out of this and be able to enjoy spending time with them again.
My parents know but I am not very close with them, and they never seem to say anything to help. I didn't have a very happy childhood so talking to them just takes me back to all the negative feelings I had growing up.
I applied to volunteer at a cafe and they were surprisingly desperate for help so I will be starting Monday. Hopefully this will keep me busy and I'll have less time to worry and perhaps I'll meet some new people.
Some medical professionals don't take suicide patients seriously. My wife and I run an Emergency Homeless Winter nightshelter for 4 months over the winter. Every week we get people with mental illnesses. Most from Drugs, some from Alcohol, some because of family problems/rejection at a young age.
A man presented himself to us this year, with a history of Schizophrenia, mental illness, saying he felt very suicidal and had made plans to do it. It was only because of one of his other homeless mates, that had recommended us to him, he came for some hot food/drink companionship, love.
We took his threat seriously (as we are trained to do) and as a follower of Jesus I would take seriously anyway.
We took him to the main teaching Hospital, who saw him some time after admittance.
He was briefly interviewed, then given a note to take to another hospital for assessment. When I was a child it was known as the local mental hospital.
So, eventually, our guest was taken off by himself to be interviewed by 2 mental health professionals.
30 minutes later he came back to the waiting room saying, they weren't going to admit him that night, for his own safety, as they didn't believe he had a strong enough case, and we were all 'free to go'.
I told them that it be on their heads if we read of a suicide case the following days in the local paper.
What is one supposed to do then?????
If you really are desperate ring Samaritans, they are trained to talk to suicidal peope.
Basil, You're not a burden. you've just temporarily 'lost your way', and are looking for The Way, the Truth and the Life.
You say you're not very close to your parents. As children, we get our sence of meaning/belonging/measure of Love, or are supposed to from our parents. First our mother and then from our Father.
There is solid teaching on this.
If we don't get the love, attention, affection as we should from our parents, grandparents, guardians growing up, we will look elsewhere for IT. Some give up on ever finding it, and feel like life is no longer worth living.
Basil. there is ONE who loves you more than you currently know. Knows every hair on your head, knows the thoughts on you mind before they were formed. He knit you together in the secret place of your mothers womb.
He knows the Plans He has in store for you. To give you a life of hope, life and a life of abundance.
He cries when he sees you cry, laughs with you, feels your pain. He has a rescue plan for you.
Few children hear their Father say to them and to hear it proclaimed publicly - This is my Son (daughter), who I Love. With whom I'm well pleased!!
WELL DONE on going out and getting that volunteering role. I look forward to reading on here how you progress.
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