rejecting

Hi, firstly I am sorry about your daughter. I cannot imagine how hard that must be for you.

I do think I understand a bit about hurting the one you love. Whilst I think I am improving my behviour with my wife has been hurtful at times. When my depression was first being diagnosed I was being very paranoid and making all sorts of stupid accusations. Neither of us understood what was going on and that it was caused by the depression so of course it was very hurtful. In the good momentsI  knew I was being an idiot but like you I felt like I was on auto destruct. I just couldn't stop myself; I still don't understand it.

More recently my wife has told me that at times I am making comments that hurt her confidence and feel like digs at her. I didn't even know I was doing it and certainly was making no conscious effort to hurt her or push her away. It has been suggested that perhaps it is a defence mechanism on my part. Perhaps; I'm open to the idea. It's certainly something I will focus on as I love my wife dearly and not for a single second in my life have I wanted to hurt her.

Depression is cruel. It not only makes us behave in ways we would choose not to, it also seems to always hurt and push away those we care about and love the most. I hate not being 'me'.I'm working on it and am moving in the right direction but its not always a smooth journey. I won't be letting it beat me.

I hope you can figure things and find the strength you need. Keep going!!

thank you for your kind words and its in a wird kind of way comforting to know i am not the only one who has done this to some one that we care for i hope you also find ways to improve life :)