"If you ask for my face, I will give you a mask" - Feeling like I can't be myself with others

Hi, yes I can relate to all these comments. I think depression is the loneliest thing, especially as we are often misunderstood, and some people just don't understand how it feels.

I've struggled with depression on and off through my whole adult life, from age 14 or so, right to now. I'm 50 next week.

I was married for 25 years, and unfortunately my husband wasn't very understanding of my problems. I was put under a lot of pressure through my adolescence, then later from my husband, to be "normal " whatever that is. Also, I was always made to feel I as not doing enough, earning enough, being a good enough wife, daughter, and the only thing I felt I really was good at was being a mum to my son, now 20. The literal light of my life!

I've always tried to hide my depression and anxiety and a lot of people now would never guess how I feel.

I've tried counselling over the years. It felt good to Express how I felt, and did help to an extent.

I recently moved out of the marital home, and into a flat on my own.

My son stayed with my husband out of convenience, bigger place and close to his friends and work.

I am struggling to hide my depression completely at the moment. I'm missing my son so much, though I do visit him regularly. He has a busy life now though and naturally doesn't have time to see me too much.

I'm not sure really what to do. I work part time as a carer, and that does help, as it takes me out of myself. However, I feel very disconnected with the world.

I'm near the sea, I thought I'd feel so much happier moving here, in West Sussex. I'm only a hour away from my son...but I don't. 

I feel scared all the time..lonely. My neighbours are loud and unpredictable. 

I am so tired of hiding my feelings, I've managed it most of the time for years though I had some moments I broke down 

I had to hide it, for my sons sake. 

Now I wonder exactly why I'm still trying all these years later.

Is this how my life is going to continue?

Just muddling through?

I had intended to try and go to some kind of social group, for people like myself, but with the lockdown, I cannot even do that.

I'm here, in a new town, and unable to reach out to anyone.

I'm getting very tired of hiding my feelings. I have to continue work, to live. However, now I'm alone, I wonder what is the point?

Sorry....having a bad morning. I'm not sure how much longer I can fake smile at people, and keep pretending I'm okay 

Hi brian M ,i have read what you put why dont you give mind a try it is a fantastic charity you can join and they will give you all the help you require i am a member of it myself also you can also ring the mental health federation they are also good  i also belong to that and i also spoke to my gp ,and if you ever need to chat i am always a good listener take care brian i have lived with mental health all my life with my dad ,and myself ok and there are lots of people on here that have thr same problem take care stay save Tiger x