Suicidal thoughts, not coping, how to get treatment without carrying out my plans?

Good afternoon my sweet; your post did make me smile reading your statement about 'not pinging'. I do hope that you have a fun filled time in Swansea with your friends; just what the Doctor ordered.xx 

I have been at my early job and am due on a late shift later until 10 pm.

This morning has been spent running round at home; cleaning ,laundry and preparing food for tomorrow as we have the Panto to watch + so I need to be organized as we still have the elderly chap here with is. I have offered to collect some one who will have to get a taxi otherwise so tomorrow is going to be rushed ..again.

The Panto is Cinderella...Oh no its not. I actually thought that we were going to watch Aladdin; I am so dippy at times!!

Did you manage to have a decent nights sleep?

Catch up later.

Lots of hugs/love

Julie 

I had a great nights sleep, as wasn't hyper from my Valium, and today I have done some shopping for my holiday, as well as McDonalds for food, and now at Vue Cinema in Swansea watching Assassins Creed 

Have my elastics but still not pinged all day, been quite well distracted, anyway will chat later, film is about to start 

*Much hugs wrapped with Love*

Stumpy. X 

Well Assassins Creed was a good film, but the graphics weren't as good as I expected from the trailer, and the ending was left too open, leaving me feeling disappointed, but I did enjoy the company of my friends as per usual, kept my elastics on my hands, although have managed all day without pinging them, so have one last lot of meds to take tonight, then I'm gonna finish packing my case, make sure I have everything ready

*Hugs wrapped gently with warmth, happiness and Love*

Stumpy. x x x  

I don't know..You and your pinging elastics just make me chuckle.

My late shift went ok; with no drama's.

Stumpy, you are doing amazingly ; you really are a bright shining star and I am proud to call you 'my friend'. I love your approach /attitude .Yes, you have had some struggles recently but boy have you bounced back

Many a person would have given up long ago, but you have just got yourself up and carried on. You really are an inspiration to all others struggling. 

You get stronger by the day.x

Don't you be worrying about me here in the cold weather whilst you are sunning yourself along with making some wonderful memories; experiencing what many of us will never get the chance to do; unless I win the lottery and considering that I don't do it then the chances of me ever winning is zero.

Good night + God Bless.

Julie 

My elastic pinging came from my first ever counsellor, along with using a red felt pen, or better still red ink, or fake blood, red paint or even ketchup, along with gripping red ice cubes, as a safer method than using a blade, at first it took a lot for me to trust him, he watched out the window on many occasions, as I drank myself to a raging oblivion, and slice myself with a stanley blade, not knowing why, or what to do to help me, but he clearly understood one thing, that trying to tell me not to wasn't going to help, nor was calling police on me ever going to help, so he started slowly, he'd meet me first thing in the morning as I'd be waiting for him to arrive to work, I'd always get there early to get away from home, and one day, instead of being concerned or annoyed that I was there, he took a different happy approach, giving me a hug each morning, and the offer of a coffee, things went slow at first, I wouldn't speak just drink my coffee  then go, after a few months, he got in and there was no milk, he said he'd give me money to go over the shop to pick up milk, but I said no, I'd drink it black.

I slowly sat and explained that my dad was an alcoholic, and the previous night, he'd kicked me round the side of the head, and that my dad's attitude towards me was one of the reasons that I was self harming/cutting, so he said let's try to find a safer alternative, so the red felt pen, red ice fake blood/red ink/ketchup and finally the elastic pinging were his idea, I tried them all, but they weren't enough, so I continued to cut, then I went on my first meds, they didn't help, in fact they made me highly suicidal, eventually I discovered Valium, I had to buy it illicitly, as a doctor would never prescribe it to a 16 year old, and that helped my happiness and hyperactivity increase, allowing the elastic pinging to help control the anxiety better, but I was still cutting on the odd occasion, so one morning when he turned up for work, and I felt quite mentally unsafe, and like cutting I cried and handed him my blade and asked him to look after it for me, and from that moment I tried harder to use the elastics, it didn't always help, and I did gradually buy new blades, but cut a lot less, I haven't cut since October now, the longest I've gone is 12 months, but without the elastics, I wouldn't have achieved that, my friends are accepting of the elastic pinging, but my family hate it as they feel embarrassed by it, I feel almost an instant calm from it, but also a slight buzz, as it's considered socially unacceptable by my family, just like taking drugs 

So many people are freaked out by elastic pinging, and cringe as they see me stretch it, and let go and the insane snap sound it makes, just the look on their faces makes me giggle

I'm really great at bouncing   back from my struggles, especially when things go really well, and I get positive feelings for a while, I'm quite surprised I'm doing ok without the Valium, but I've always been the type to stop meds as early as I can, especially if it causes other cravings

I've come so close to giving up on so many occasions, and at just 18 I took a major heroin overdose, I was in a coma for around 8 hours, and not expected to pull through, I had an A&E doctor sitting at the foot of my bed singing me the welsh national anthem, it was during the 6 nations and I was wearing my Wales rugby top, I came round to him repeatedly singing me the welsh national anthem sitting crying at the foot of my bed, trying to will me through, I still have no idea to this day how I'm still alive, but I am, I bounce back every time, I'm like a cat  with 9 lives 

You never know, never say never, one day you might get the chance to go on holiday to Thailand, I will think of everyone back here while I'm sunning it  and I'll hopefully post up here some wonderful memories whilst away 

I have lots of wonderful memories of the people who have helped me and also inspired me whilst on my journey, including you, my wonderful friend Julie

*Hugs wrapped with Love as always*

Night

Stumpy. x x x 

I had to take my Scooby dog to the kennels today in preparation for going on my holiday tomorrow, so was a little down  

So tonight I decided to go visit my friends from the theatre, I'm so glad they did, I had such a laugh, I gave them some money to get me a DVD of the pantomime so I can watch it after my holiday, so I can let my imagination run wild at what fun the back stage crew may have been having 

I also went for fish and chips for some comfort food, and whilst waiting for my bus home had a taxi stop by me, an old friend, who's resurfaced, being as my regular taxi appears to have done a disappearing act, then it's great news he just gave me a magnet with his phone number on, for taxi's in future also really nice guy, and safe to be around, saves me feeling unsafe needing a taxi home if I were need to come home early from my holiday 

Off home now for an early night, but think I'll stop off at the working men's club on the way home, go see everyone there one last time before I go 

*Hugs wrapped in bundles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x 

Have an absolutely fantastic holiday.   

When our dogs were dropped off at the kennels ; I would tell myself that it was 'their' holiday. I know that your pooch was chosen by you from kennels and you are understandably concerned that he may fret but most pets do that but eventually settle. Imagine how fast his little tail will wag 

Have oodles and oodles of fun on what will be the holiday of a life time my lovely, funny friend.

Stick with the positive outlook.

Julie 

Thanks Julie, I'm feeling a bit calmer at the minute, just a few last minute bits of packing to do, and I'm all set to go, am gonna have oodles and oodles of fun, feels strange without my dog tonight, starting to look forward to my holiday

Scooby will be fine, Justin at the kennels is great and will look after him  his tail will wag, he'll enjoy being walked twice a day, on a nice long walk, he'll be so much thinner and healthier, as he is rather on the fat side lol 

I'm staying positive, I opened up at Mind today too, about my abuse, wanted to cry most of the day, Mind have banned my dad from entering the building currently beyond the foyer, and have said they'll worry about me until the day they see me after I arrive back, nice to know they care enough to worry about me, but am sure I'll be fine

I'm a bit anxious about flying, and the long haul of the flight  but am sure I'll be fine, there will be films to watch, and games to play, I'll also have my Android tablet, whilst the battery lasts, that I can also charge at the airport

*Oodles and oodles of hugs wrapped warmly with Love*

Stumpy. x  

Wow!! You have definitely got in to the 'positive zone' which a massive plus. I am so proud to be messaging you and to be able to call you my 'friend' The transformation over the short time that we have been on here is such a massive bonus. You really are an inspirational star

You have coped with everything that has been thrown at you and still come through positive. Good for you girl.

It is raining here and so I am so I am so jealous of you right now. 

Brilliant to read that you have even more support and that MIND are really by your side.x

You have done exactly what I think/say to others; acknowledge, accept and embrace 100% all the help available; you have done that and look how far you have come.?

Have a totally amazing holiday; stay safe and look after YOU because you are one sweet lovely lady who now deserves the very best of everything in life.  You have suffered enough.x

Looking forward to hearing about your holiday on your return.

Already , I have told my other half that you are on your way to Thailand. I will be thinking about you and like your colleagues at MIND , I too will be looking forward to your return.

Don't forget to slap on the suncream.

I will go and find my wellies and umbrella.

Sending you huge big hugs and love . 

Julie

Sitting in Heathrow Airport have Checked in, now just gotta get through departures to the departure gate, I board the plane about 9pm, for a 9:30pm takeoff 

Feeling anxious, want my elastics so bad, but had to take them off at check in, their in my suitcase, as their not allowed on the plane due to safety risk if they were to snap and hit other passengers 

Am waiting until the evening when I'm due to land in Thailand to take my Beta Blockers, as I'd rather be anxious before flying, than anxious arriving there, am back on the 16th of February my dad got the dates wrong 

The music in the airport is repetitive and starting to drive me nuts now 

*Hugs & Love*

Stumpy. X