Suicidal thoughts, not coping, how to get treatment without carrying out my plans?

Thanks right now I'm considering drinking insect repellent, considering it strips paint, and melts rubber, it's likely poisonous, but instead I'm gonna take Diazepam and go to bed before I do something I may later regret, if the doctor doesn't help in the morning, I'm gonna ring the crisis team, whilst sitting in the doctors surgery, I don't think they'll be very happy 

Wahoo one Ritalin Script sorted, and I have an appointment to see my GP at 11:45, so fingers crossed I'll get my Beta Blockers too :)

Good morning , I do hope that you get everything sorted today and that you have managed to get a relatively good nights sleep.. I could sense your mind racing whilst reading your post this morning.

I really do hope that as this day progresses that you manage to calm your emotions right down and find a gentle calm level.

I can totally appreciate you are livid but it is wasted energy. Focus on YOU , don't give the GP any more space in your head than you already have . Their is only one person suffering here and that is you. It isn't affecting him so he is as happy as Larry getting on with his day. 

You know yourself that something will get sorted and you can't change on what has happened ,However  you now need to focus on what is best for you and that is to stay calm and let the feeling of punching his lights out go.  I would want blood , but it isn't going to happen or if it did then the outcome is inevitable. You have a plane to catch soon ,so get excited.

It is hard to think of the bigger picture when absolutely enraged . I used to want everything bad to happen to my ex but on days when I was feeling calm then I would realize that I was letting him control me and until I had let go of the anger then I wouldn't move on mentally. Yes, I have moved on but that doesn't mean to say that I don't still have flashes of anger ;re;him missing our son's 21 st. I would have willingly 'punched his lamps out'

Staying calm within is the hardest thing but it is the most beneficial thing for 'you' .Be gentle always .

I am sure that now that hours have lapsed , you have 'vented' .

Only yesterday , my partner pointed out that to him it appears that every time we do a 'good deed' then c* happens. It doesn't; there was no hidden agenda ; they were real reasons.

I was getting an elderly lady and the chap who is staying here until he is better  an errand /good deed to get them milk as it was tipping down. I crashed in to a lamp post rails ; it was due to me being in the wrong gear. Remember I have only been driving a few months . He thinks that him drink/driving on collecting me from work was a good deed!! 

He is on a low as his hospital appointment for his CML is fast approaching, plus his kids haven't replied to his communication. Everything appears to be expanded in his mind. He is feeling like everything is against him. Please don't be upset but this may be applying to you. Take steps back and focus on chilling/finding calm. I could actually punch his kids lamps out as good manners cost nothing. It was their mum having the builder in bed.The only wrong doing by my partner was 'being ill; breakdown due to depression + being diagnosed with a terminal illness. They aren't interested in the 'cause'.

You will get everything sorted in time. Slow your mind down as it is racing at 100 mph.

Please try and have a gentle ,slow pace sort of day.

Hopefully, the tape, elastic etc is either been used up yesterday or has run out

Remain gentle on yourself and have a day, floating on the fluffy white clouds against a clear blue sky . Perfect ; Paradise is looming.

Love always; Julie 

I know this wasn't a post for me but it's really HELPED. Thanks Julie.  I'll try to follow your advice and today will be a good day

Hi franthevet; I am pleased that you found the comment replying to my lovely friend Stumpy helpful. Although it was a reply to her post as we have built a great friendship/understanding.  I am on this group to help anyone that I can ; which you have just proved to be the case.

Hope that today is gentle for you also my lovely Carenity  friend. Always here to chat and support.

Love + hugs 

Julie

Yay all medication sorted, including Beta Blockers, also put dose back up to 40mg, my GP has put some notes on the system for the other GP to inform him of the issues he caused, and in future that he's not to deal with me, without speaking with him prior to doing so, feeling calmer and happier and starting to look forward a little to my holiday now 

I now have everything sorted, I really didn't get a good nights sleep, but do hope to get a much better nights sleep tonight , I think everyone could sense my mind racing, yesterday, and still today before seeing my GP 

Wahoo you're hope paid-off, as today has slowly  got better, as the day has progressed, and I have managed to calm my emotions down a lot, although I'm still not completely calm, but 100% calmer than I was 

My energy was not wasted, as I used that energy and re-directed it today, at the GP it was intended for, my GP has written yesterday's GP a note to say he is never to deal with me in future regarding any medication without first speaking with him, however he did get me an appointment with the psychiatrist, but it is on Tuesday the day I fly, so I've had to phone and cancel it, and have them to rearrange it, but considering my regular GP tried, as did my counsellor, and my anger management support worker, and myself and none of us got any luck, I don't understand how that obnoxious GP managed to get me an appointment in less than a week, so when I get home, I'm going to ring and speak to him on the phone, and tell him I have a use for him, and ask him to please contact again and get me an appointment with the psychiatrist, being as they appear to listen to him, unlike anybody else 

I told my GP today, that I felt like punching his lights out, and he agreed I'm not the only one, with a cheeky wink, , and he also said he doesn't care if I say I'd like to, just don't let others at the surgery hear, as others have been struck off for making threats, and apparently, one person even threatened the GP in question with a gun, haha, it made me really pleased  the part where you said about the outcome of wanting blood, is inevitable, made me laugh, I have 2 sets of my own, Police issue, one method I used to see the GP, as they want rid, handcuff myself in the surgery

My anger was founded and useful, and I now have some new avenues of getting my needs met, I just had an image of you smashing you're ex's lights out, chasing him down the street, made me giggle 

I have 'vented' , I've also text my counsellor to update him with progress, although I've not heard back from him, I think he's taken some annual leave, can't say I blame him, while he has the chance, knowing one of his most needy clients is gonna be out the country, I guess it gives him the chance to have more of a break

My dad drink drives constantly, he's never without alcohol in his system, so I know how you feel, about the drink driving situation, and in my situation I'm still expected to pay my dad petrol money on collecting me, or dropping me off, and he again considers it a good deed if he gives me a lift somewhere, hence most of the time I catch buses or use my local taxi's, most of whom are great, especially Tom, he's the owner of the cab company, and has been driving taxi's for years, but also is very caring, he's picked me up from Morriston Hospital 23 miles away, at 1am, and not been paid for 2 whole weeks, he's stopped at the river bridge or at the road side when I've been unwell, and asked if I'm ok, will get me to a doctor or hospital if I need and don't have the cash just because he cares enough, he's even offered to go in and see the doctor with me if it'd help for the doctor to hear from him how I am, he'd also get me to psych ward if needed, he really understands mental health, as his dad was schizophrenic, so he's grown up with it most of his life, and knows and understands how badly extra stress can impact on someones mental health, he is often one of the very first people to notice if I'm becoming unwell and will attempt to gently let me know he feels I need some help, which is really nice 

I was always brought up to have manners, despite how dysfunctional a childhood I had, and as you say manners cost nothing, gutted you're hubby's kids still haven't been in contact, and I don't blame you for wanting to smash their lamps out either 

Haha ye all the tape, elastic, and string is all used up lol 

*Millions of hugs wrapped with warm cozy fluffy blankets, and Love as always * 

Stumpy. x x x 

Hi franthevet, I'm glad you too found Julie's advice helpful, feel free to jump in the discussions at any time if it helps you, Julie always gives fantastic advice, hope you're doing ok, and look forward to chatting more sometime, if you decide to join in the discussions  

Stumpy. x x x 

I've been for 2 acupuncture sessions today, one in Port Talbot and, one in Neath, so feeling really chilled out, and relaxed, and calm today, now just waiting for the bus home, gonna pack my case tonight ready for my holiday , have gone almost 4 hours  today with no elastic pinging

I've been told by my family I can't have my elastics on Tuesday when we go to the airport and fly to Thailand  as it's embarrassing , perhaps their delusional, nobody stares, asks questions or pays any attention if I'm wearing them, or if I stretch and ping them, so long as I'm a little discreet about it, do it in the toilet or secluded areas, I hate them they make me want to take a blade , but I know I can't on board the plane

I really hope they don't destroy my really good day later by reminding me continuously that I can't have them, as it'd embarrassing, I don't think they really have a clue, how close I came to being unable to go because of my severe anxiety, and if the elastic pinging helps, why should I not wear them, I know their likely not allowed on the plane, but I can put them in my case at the airport and substitute for hair bobbles, as I don't think they can disallow me to tie my hair back 

*Much Hugs wrapped neatly as always with Love*

Stumpy. X 

Hiya Stumpy; Did you manage to have a good day? I do hope so.

I personally can't see what the problem is with pinging your elastic bands. If it keeps you calm ,then carry on.

My day has  been busy. along with doing support work, I am not long home from the club that I am involved with . The elderly friend staying here is on the mend; thank goodness. I think that he will be ready for home on Sunday. He is so independent and to see him so low/weary has been sad but he is now feeling a lot stronger. 

I am on a late shift tomorrow and then on Sunday, I am off to a Pantomime with the Charity that I work for. Oh no I don't.

You do sound as if you have had a 'chilled day' which is good to read.

I love reading your positive/happy posts.

Good night and God Bless my lovely friend.

Julie. x

Ps; Thank you for your kind words to franthevet; I try my best to help not only support others but build friendships; just like you and I have.

xx

Wahoo still haven't returned to pinging my elastics, now over 12 hours  without, so hopefully I can manage Tuesday without them for a while, in the bid to prevent arguments with my family, although feeling a little anxious now before bed, so think it'll be 12 hours so far, will try for longer tomorrow, am out down Swansea for the day with my friends, for a last good feed and cinema visit before my holiday, so that should be a good distraction 

Punch and Judy Pantomime, aww I want to go Panto 

I love looking back and reading my own and everybody else's happy posts, to see how far we've all come, I always love to write kind words to others, and invite them to join in, the more the merrier, I do the same on other forums too 

Think I'm gonna sleep well tonight, feeling tired after being suicidal for days, that seems to happen, my anxiety gets so fraught, and out of control I shake uncontrollably the re-increased dosage on the Beta Blockers is helping, but still not perfect, but it'll get better, I'm more tired too as I have no more Diazepam, to wake me, having an ADHD backwards brain, means Diazepam intoxicates me like being drunk and happy, almost slightly manic, and without it I'll be a touch less happy but able to sleep better so in the long run it'll actually help as my daytime wakefulness will improve naturally over time, because of the more restful sleep 

My counsellor is definitely on annual leave, and I realised why, as he did it deliberately, not to be in work today, Friday the 13th, he's never in work on Friday the 13th, as that was when he had his motorcycle accident, he's very superstitious of it now, he was due at the clinic to see me on the day of his accident, I'd phoned his mobile because he was late, and he was crying with his leg smashed up, waiting for an ambulance, I refused to hang the phone up until the ambulance got there  but I have text him contact details so he can contact me whilst he's away if he needs to, he can contact me on Facebook too as he's on my Facebook friends list another thing over and above his job, as a way of staying in touch and keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm ok, hopefully Thailand will be a good break, I'll be online out there, but there is a 7 hour time difference, so not sure how well things will work out, I may not be online quite as often but will try to post updates that I'm ok

*Good night and much love and hugs*

Stumpy. x xx  

Well am off to Swansea for one last time today to meet with my wonderful Tribe of friends, before my holiday, usual food out, then cinema to watch a film, not sure what I'm gonna see yet, will see what the Tribe wanna watch, hope there is something good on 

*Much Love & Hugs*

Stumpy. x