Topic of the discussion
Posted on 27/02/2019 18:16
I don't think that I have ever felt as deeply alone as I do now. I have had spouts of depression before don't get me wrong, but nothing this bad. I didn't go my classes for three weeks straight because I just did not want to get out of bed. I do not really find joy in anything, I have to force myself to get out of bed and when I think about this in the long term in all honesty if it is going to be like this forever I do not want to do it. I don't want to feel this way forever, it is exhausting and I feel like there is no reason to live right now.
I dated a guy in high school for three years, young dumb and in love I thought I would be with him forever. Looking back now, I am so glad that that ended, there were so many times that I should have walked away. He started out as a good love, good boyfriend, but seeing now there were a lot of times that he would talk down to me as if because he felt he was smarter or his family had more money than mine. I remember many times where he was actually emotionally abusive. I held onto it a long time after we broke up. He played along until the next girl came and it ended rather nasty. I kept my pride and did not talk poorly about him, but always heard through the grapevine all of the rumors he would say about me.
I was single for a couple months and I don't think I've ever been as happy as I was during that time with myself. After a while, I ended up meeting this wonderful guy who we will call Z. He was going through a hard time and there were a couple of times that we had a difference in opinion when it came to handling situations like exes or when we wanted to start officially dating and it took time. But I could feel myself falling in love with him, it was completely different then my ex; I felt needed and wanted on so many more levels. And once again started thinking about the future that him and I could have together. Everything was so vivid in my mind. I was so happy with him and everything that was going on between us.
Summer came and I moved to NC to stay at the beach for the summer and he played soccer between Tennessee and Richmond. We talked and facetimed a lot and I just kept falling more in love with him. God, I was so in love with him. We got through the summer and moved back to school, he stayed in my apartment for a month because he could not move into his yet. I think this is when it first started to take a turn, neither of us was working or going to school yet so we were with each other all the time. Things got hard, I had the stress of paying for everything, not getting fafsa for school, and other outside stresses. He also had a lot of outside stresses.
I slipped into a deep depression with severe anxiety. I let it root into my relationship. Do I love him? Is he the one? No you don't feel that way. Life is too hard right now, you don't want to keep getting disappointed. I asked/told myself this stuff all the time. To the point of talking myself out of love with him.
I am heartbroken because it's been months and we aren't together anymore. We still talk and we still clearly have heavy feelings for each other. But how do you know? how do you know when to put the work in?
I have looked so many places for relationship advice that include advice on how to deal with anxiety and depression while in a relationship and nothing has been helpful.
Most things say the cheesy, "When you meet the one you will know." I just do not know if this is true. Everyone I have talked too, that has experienced what I am feeling and got through it, said they had these thoughts too. Relationships work and even couples that are in the "Euphoric" stage, had thoughts questioning if they loved the person they are with.
I really want this to work, the future seemed so fun with him. He truly does love me.
I know that I need to become happy with myself again, but I feel like I can't. I also feel like even if I get happy with myself, I will still have those thoughts. How do I stop them? Do they ever stop? How do you remain happy even when things are hard?
Beginning of the discussion - 28/02/2019Depression and Anxiety in Relationships https://www.carenity.co.uk/forum/depression/symptoms-and-complications-of-depression/depression-and-anxiety-in-relationships-2747
Posted on 28/02/2019 09:31
@morsech Hello morsech,
One thing that really stood out to me in your post was this line: "I was single for a couple months and I don't think I've ever been as happy as I was during that time with myself."
From the impression of you mentioning school in your post, it seems as if you're quite young, perhaps in your early twenties? Your early twenties are really a time for discovering yourself, realising what YOU want out of life. It is the time before you have to dedicate your free time, ambitions etc to your family or paying a mortgate or what not. You can be completely selfish in persuing what is good for you, because that is what is expected, and needed, during this period of your life.
I think you need to give yourself a break. You are in a position where you aren't obliged to think "is he the one" or "will this last forever". Obiously, it is easier said than done, but why not live in the moment without commitments? If you enjoy talkng to him on the phone, try and keep it casual...if it is meant to be, it will happen but you should enjoy your life. Don't dedicate your life to him calling you, head to the movies or distract yourself with friends. don't live for your romantic relationships, live for yourself.
If you're in college, I take it that there is a college doctor? You should pop by there and describe how you're feeling, depression is a horribly overwhelming feeling and if it is making you bed bound instead of attending classes, you need to tell your school so you have support and comprehension in case you need to re-sit exams, or get an extension on a paper.
Be strong, I hope you feel better soon.
Posted on 12/03/2019 19:27
I have been living with depression all my life and anxiety to but I am not getting any where I have talk to nurse that deal with it and been to see every one thier is to see but not had much help. But I am still dealing with it having every bad days just now . I am trying so hard and I am trying to save to get way on holiday . So I hope to all how is going through this that they have some one that is thier for them because doing this with out a partner it is not great at all but I now having one to do’s not always great has well because some partners do not under stand what you are going through. But has I was saying I truly do hope those out the that’s going throug this get there day by day because I am finding it hard just now I just pray ever day that I would not be hear but I still am bless all of yous out thier with this.
Posted on 14/03/2019 00:55
Ok there seems to be a lot of gloominess here, surrounding relationships, and when to know if it's the right one,
well the answer to that question only depends on you, as only you can tell or decide if there are any reasons why this person may not be the one, but one things for sure, from my point of view, if you need to question if he/she is the one, then you clearly have doubts or concerns, or you would not feel the need to ask this question.
Perhaps, look at what your concerns are, write them down, share them with someone you trust see if their rational concerns, if they are rational concerns, see if their something you believe, you could work mutually on with your partner.
If you cannot share your concern with them, I'd suggest your simply not ready, and that they are not the one, if they were the one, you'd feel comfortable sharing your concerns with them 😊
I hope this makes sense, and if you share your concerns, and they are the one, I'm sure they'll understand, and help alleviate any of your concerns 😊
If their not the one, and they dismiss your concerns, then you know their not the one, and that it's time to move on.
Before I learnt, to love myself, I used to question others, love, for me, but since loving myself, and having self respect, being happy with who I am as an individual, I've found it easier to realise who do really love me, for the right reasons, for who I am 😊
Sometimes, those people are not the people we would usually expect to love us, unconditionally in that way, or are not who we may have chosen to love unconditionally, but if you fall for someone, and their the right one, then usually, we have little control to resist, despite them not being the sort of person you'd normally expect you'd have chosen 😊
My current partner, I'd have never dreamt of being with, when I was insecure about myself, and I feel, that he would not, have been interested in me, were I still insecure about myself, basically, being confident about who you are, and who you meet, that genuinely care about you, and take an unconditional love interest in you, may be very different to your prior thoughts and feelings, about the type of person you'd usually get with 😊
What is most important, is that you are both happy, with yourself first, and your partner second, and so long as that is a mutual feeling, you should really, have nothing to worry about or question 😊
Don't be put off by outside influences, if your happy and confident about yourself and partner, that's all that matters, it's all about trust, firstly in yourself, and secondly in your partner, nothing more 😊
Sometimes it's all about taking a chance, if you never take that chance, you will never know, but if it doesn't work out, it clearly wasn't the right one for you, and wasn't meant to be 😊
Nobody can tell you who would or wouldn't be the right one, for you, only you, can do that.
Everybody is different, and we all have different preferences, and expectations of what we want, from a partner, and what an ideal loving partner, would be, for us 😊
Posted on 20/03/2019 09:54
@morsech @StumpyDavies @Sammy240 That is some very good advice that other members have given you too. I hope that you're feeling better?
Posted on 15/04/2019 19:56
No feel that great at the moment but I went to docs and talk to them and they gave me a phone number to call and talk to a therapist over the phone and also upped my medication to so I am hope I will start to feel better in a bit just tack it slow and one day at a time but thank to very one one this hear.
Posted on 26/11/2019 13:15
I've had a lot of troubles with this. My depression makes me push people away but my anxiety flares up even more if I let them get too close. Anyone else feel like they're stuck between a rock and a hard palace?