Topic of the discussion
Posted on 1/17/19 1:03 PM
Hi looking for some advice my partner is currently going through a very bad depression and was hospitalized for nearly 2 weeks he has now been discharged and has been pushing me away very very little contact and when we do it is very short and sweet and in a way a bit cold I don’t know how to best support him or how best to be there for him what to say or do etc he has completely distanced himself from me but at the same time reached out to some others. I’ve given him time and space but then I feel maybe he thinks I don’t care or don’t want to spend time with him so I’m finding it very difficult to know what to do for the best to help him is this behavior normal I don’t know what to expect and feel so so helpless. We went from planning a lovely Christmas and our wedding this year to a fear now that he doesn’t want to be with me at all. I feel so blessed that I even still have him here with us any help or guidance would be appreciated.
Beginning of the discussion - 1/21/19Depression and my partner https://www.carenity.co.uk/forum/depression/symptoms-and-complications-of-depression/depression-and-my-partner-2684
Posted on 1/21/19 10:05 AM
@Hidden username Hello Angeline,
I replied a little to this in the other discussion group, it must be comforting to know that you aren't the only member experiencing this right now.
Has he bene put on medication? It can take several weeks for medication to kick in and a lot of the time it can be trial and error until you find one that suits the patient...
I would recommend tha tyou let him know that you care very often, a simple text reminding him that you love him and are there for him. Give him some time and he will return, maybe he feels guilty for being sick? It is cliché but we do "hurt the ones we love"
I hope things turn around for you both soon. You seem like a lovely partner xx
Posted on 1/30/19 1:11 PM
As someone who suffers from depression I've been where he is and have unfortunetly put my partner through what you're going though. I think people suffering from depression put their partners through a lot without realising it at the time, as Pleasance quotes, "We do hurt the ones we love."
I'm not sure if anything I write is true for him this is just from my experience, but hopefully I can give you some insight and ideas.
I think he's reaching out to others and not to you because some people are easier to talk to about certain things than others, and this is no reflection on you. I'd tell my girlfriend most things, but sometimes with depression there's a couple of other people I'd rather chat to because they've been though it and I just feel like they can understand more, kinda like I need empathy more than sympathy.
In my last incident, my girlfriend had to witness me having a total breakdown which involved me slashing at myself with a knife. The worse thing for me out off everything that happened, is that she had to see that. She's forgiven me and we've talked about it, but I'm still guilty over it and it's tearing me up. On top of that, I'm feeling bad that she has to support me being like this. In this case, I'm needing to talk to other people and get their support because it's something I can't talk to her about.
When people are really low, they're not just depressed, they've stopped taking pleasure in things. That can come out in conversations as less enthusiasm or less caring. Certainly for me in text messages I could see how my messages could seem cold, where I have less energy, less want to do anything, and less enthusiasm to write anything. Short, almost clinical, and to the point. Depression can also make people snappy, even over little things, and I know that people closer to me are more likely to get snapped at.
All you can really do is try to reach him in small ways such as Pleasance says, a simple text letting him know you love him and are there for him, or letting him know if something makes you think of him. Small things can go a long way. When I've been where he is, it helps to know people care, and are there when you're ready. I'd get messages, and while I appreciated them, I just wouldn't be in a place where I felt able to respond, or would just reply curtly.
If you haven't already, maybe suggest, if he's up to it, some small activity together, even something as simple as a walk? I know there were times that I wouldn't have suggested doing anything to anyone, because part of me felt that no one would really want to hangout with me because I was such a mess, and I didn't want confirmation of that.
I hope this has been of some help and things get better for both of you soon.
Posted on 1/30/19 3:30 PM
@Hidden username @Hidden username @Hidden username Thank you all for sharing your stories, I hope things are improving with your boyfriend.