Daughter is self-harming

Hello glynn

I am so sorry for your daughter. I don't know if I can help you a lot but I can give you some tips a woman on my support group talked about when she told us how she adressed this issue with her husband.

First of all you have to know that self harming is a way in which your daughter expresses her emotions and helps her cope with it. This woman told us that a lot of shrinks say it is even ok to do it for a while cause it is a way to cope, but absolutely it must stop one way or another cause it then can lead to more dangerous stuff. So what she did with her husband was first of all ask him what was he feeling when he did that, but she did it through an email, so her husband wouldn't feel confronted or obliged to respond in the moment and could give him the space he needed to answer and sort his feelings. When he opened and answered then the emails continued and she started digging and trying to make him realice what were his triggers and if he felt that the self harming could be managed differently, by screaming, running, painting, writing or just talking. His husband found out that through writing to her by email and expressing everything that was going through his mind helped him to feel more relieved and lowered his desire to self harm and it even helped to imrpove their relationship.

So I hope this helps and that your daughter can get through it.

hello Lara45, thank you very much for answering, your reply has given me some thoughts, as to how to at least try to help, i didn't have a clue before, but at least i can try to do something now, i think i will try the email thing first, and then just wait for her to reply. anyway thanks again, will post the results if it helps.

Anxiety is to do with Fear. The fear can be of anything. Fear of people, situations, heights, the future, death, loss of control, the un-known, animals, insects, fear of loneliness, fear of dark rooms/place, fear of ghosts, . Fear is an Irrational emotion based on our emotions, not facts. 
People who feel 'out of control', or overly controlled can feel fear. 
We associate fear with -- DANGER. this may be real or percieved.
Theres a wewll known acronym F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real

Our upbringing can have a huge impact on the way we as children, and then adults, look at, perceive, and act in life. I had two loving parents. But if we aren't brought up on a solid foundation we can live lives on sinking sand.
My Mother was and still is full of fear. She was full of superstitions, good luck charms etc, etc, to ward of her fears. She was petrified of mice, rats, spiders, birds, water, boats, aeroplanes. I've no idea where she got this from but it has 'crippled her all her life. Thankfully I was never affected by those, because my Dad was a very tough man who would ridicule those fears. But children can 'take-on' their parents (irrational) fears.
On the otherside of the coin, a lack of affirmation by parents and particularly the Father, can cause what are known as Mother or Father wounds, and if not dealt with, can be carried on into adulthood. 

My Fear (anxiety) and Depression started to disappear, when I gave my life to Jesus, on an Alpha course.
When we know who we are, why we are here (on this planet) and where one is going, Fear, Anxiety, Depression - disappear.

There's much written about in the Bible about Fear (and a little on Depression).

* Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
* Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
* When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
* For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
* Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...
* Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
* I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.
* Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
* Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
* There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
* Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”
* Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
* Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.
* “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

and MANY MANY more against Fear and Anxiety.

 

I am glad to hear it helped at least a bit glyn. Keep us posted and good luck

Cheers

Thank you for your help, and your good wishes Lara, i will keep you posted, she hasn.t done it in a fortnight, but who knows when the next episode will occur, thanks again. xx

Hi I'm suffering with anxiety and today I can't get out of bed.my mood is very low and I have butterflies in my stomach.struggling to eat and havnt slept for two days.couldnt manage work today and now I feel guilty.just want to know I'm not alone with this horrible illness.

theresa0106, you are not alone, i suffer with the same thing, but you are beating yourself up by feeling guilty, which is making it worse, one vicious circle. if anybody had the flu they would have the time off, just because they can't see your illness doesn't mean it's  not there. i know it's no good to say don't beat yourself up, but don't try not to feel so guilty about it, keep telling yourself that you will feel better in the morning, try positive thinking, we are here for you. you are not alone x

Theresa, you are not alone.

I too suffer from Depression and Anxiety. Last weekend was tough.

All my thinking errors have been triggered and the judgements/ negative thoughts are raging in my head. I have the butterflies too and a heaviness so draining that the urge to just curl up in my bed is so tempting right now.

BUT I Have worked with it and set my self small achievable goals, like get out of bed, get ready for work Etc. 

when the urge to call in sick takes over, I set myself a time delay before I allow myself to call. I drive to work with tears flowing but once I get to the car park I feel a glimmer of relief that I have got this far and am then able to get in to the building.

It's hard and the energy it requires is so draining and I often go to bed early just to recharge my batteries.

I use mindfulness and try to be kind to myself by acknowledging my achievements, however small they might seem, because my wise mind tells me that it is NOT a small thing to me and my depression.

take care, be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone xx

I also suffer with this, it was brought on some years ago when my thyroid failed and went undiagnosed for several years. I slid into illness and depression and self harmed also.

I don't like admitting that it was something i once did, and at the time i used to harm in places i could hide with sleeves, and never ever told anyone. For me it wasn't about a cry for help, but i did it because i was made to feel so helpless by my stress and depression. At the time the doctors were not helping me despite many pleas. I was in the Air Force and the idea there was that you just get on with things, they also kept telling me there was nothing wrong with me and wouldn't do a blood test to check me out.

I would feel so stressed that i literally did not know what to do with myself, and i would feel so strongly that i needed to do something to relieve my stress and feeling bad, but what?. I remember once standing in my kitchen feeling like i was going to explode, and i thought how can i feel this bad and still be alive.

Self harming was the only thing that gave me some relief, it was a mixture of punishing myself and doing the only thing i could think of to make myself feel better, and in an odd way i did feel better after.

The only way i stopped doing it, was by first getting diagnosed hypothyroid and starting medication, secondly i took up something in my spare time which took my mind off things. This turned out to be computer games. I found that while playing a game, i was concentrating so fully on it, that i was not worrying about anything else, and i was not self harming.

Perhaps what i went through can help others in some way, i would say that anyone with depression should keep an eye out for symptoms of an underlying cause that is undiagnosed, doing something that takes your mind off your misery is certainly a big help also.

I have not self harmed now for over 8 years and have not had those feelings again despite depression sometimes flaring up. It IS possible to get past those feelings and move on to feeling better.

Take care, you are not alone /hugs

thanks for all your comments, my daughter has been to see a councillor, who has advised her to go and see a doctor, who now has booked her an appointment for a bi-polar examination today, will keep you posted, and thanks again for your help.