Topic of the discussion
Posted on 06/01/2017 14:44
hi I have been struggling at different levels of depression for nearly 3 years since my long time partnerof 34 years left me for another woman I have tried to take my own life before and was admitted to a mental health unit but I've only had support from gp and him throwing tablets at me I have been asking for Councielling and cbt but got no where it has been 1 and half yrs since being admired and even though I go Drs on a weekly basis and I'm suicidel almost daily and this has got worse over the festive period as I lost my mum too in the summer but still got no help does anyone on here no any where I can go other than the crisis team I also feel like I can't move on with my life until I can stop loving my ex please help someone.
Beginning of the discussion - 16/01/2017Depression after partner left me https://www.carenity.co.uk/forum/depression/living-with-depression/depression-after-partner-left-me-1523
Posted on 16/01/2017 19:23
Hi Nanniesue. Our paths are very similar. My now ex did exactly the same to me after 30 years of marriage. We were soulmates ; we had even attended the same high school.
My only consolation now looking back is that 'his +her bubble will burst ' as the truth ALWAYS comes out. He was having the affair whilst leading a double life. He mentally abused me for 3 years; coming/going back and forth . His behaviour was totally out of character and bizarre/irrational at times. With the support of myself/children he was diagnosed as being 'psychotic and delusional'. Still, he went back/to and each time I fell even further down the road of depression. I had trusted him 100% and at the very time we were able to commence' our dreams' he did that.
My whole world collapsed. He had controlled everything including our finances. I didn't even know who supplied our utilities.
He would promise 'us all' that he was getting help and would return home; he even informed me that the divorce had been cancelled. I had officially been divorced a week before I was officially informed.
I can feel your pain ; it truly is overwhelming. I know that you won't believe me when I tell you this; as I didn't either when someone who had been through the same told me. You WILL get over it. You WILL be happy again.
I was terrified of losing everything as I had given up a professional career to rise our family. Something that he cited in the petition!!! Looking back , I think that fear held me back as I also like yourself was facing other issues; I was facing redundancy from my part time job, my elderly dad was diagnosed with COPD , along with my sister being diagnosed with cancer. My finances or lack of petrified me. One of my sons was struggling to make ends meet a Uni and despite him asking his 'dad' for help he didn't receive any. This was a man whose family were his life..or so it appeared.
I experienced every emotion going as no doubt you are also.
The turning point for me was on having suicidal thoughts. Although medication didn't take away my anxiety depression , they helped to ease my frantic mind thus enabling me to focus on those issues.A lot of self help WILL get you to that better place; it really will. Sadly there are no short cuts .
Divorce/depression is like death and grieving has no time scale. There does however come a time when you have to say 'I deserve better than this' It won't be easy but you can do it. xx
My life has completely changed for the better as will yours.
I lost all my self esteem ; I felt such a failure, unloved , old etc. I felt that everything was 'my fault' when in fact it wasn't. I had accepted my ex's guilt and blamed myself. He put the 'blame ' at my feet . Nothing can ever justify cheating on some one, especially someone whom you have basically devoted your life too.
The journey has been a long, dark, frightening. lonely one but with a lot of self help my life is wonderful. I can't pinpoint the exact time when I had reached the point when I wanted more for 'me'.
I can no longer recognize my ex. I loved him so deeply but now I feel nothing like that . The only emotion that I tend to feel is anger not only at him for all the lies/deceit towards not only myself but to our children . He married in secret ,telling work colleagues that 'that his family had disowned him' The truth is that he is terrified of her discovering the truth. I get so mad at him ignoring his children ,as he recently ignored his sons 21st,
I still struggle not to be angry at myself for allowing him to control my mind and allowing him to manipulate me.
They even had me arrested for apparently sending her vile letters in my name. It turned out it was him !!! I wasn't charged/cautioned as he also turned up 'wanting to take me home' ;I later found out it was because she had thrown him out when he didn't want her to phone the police. To this day she isn't aware of it being him. So deep was my love, that I still took him back.
I am angry at wasting 3 +years crying over him; something that you will also feel in time. Taking him back each time whilst he was playing mind games.
You have to concentrate on YOU; no one else but you need to be the centre of your world.xx
Do things for you, no matter how small.
Concentrate on your breathing when in times of stress/anxiety.
Go for walks, taking the time to notice the flowers instead of the weeds.
Adopt a 2 steps forward, 3 steps back attitude.
Learn to love yourself; you deserve so much more in life.
In time go outside your comfort zone; I did and have never looked back.
Once you acknowledge ,accept and embrace all the help 100% then your true inner self will shine
Looking back , I never felt as valued as I do now. I am far richer than I have been in such a long time. I have grown so much; no it hasn't been easy and yes, I still have low days but who doesn't?
Letting go is the hardest part and I understand that but the love/trust that you had can never ever be the same as it was.
Look at this as a new beginning, although I imagine that you don't feel like that nor can you ever imagine feeling that you can get to a better place ;you can/will.
Take small steps in to what can be such an exciting future. Don't look too far ahead.
This group is the ideal place to open up as you will receive as much support as you need.
Talking really is the way forward, learning to accept that it is ok to feel sad, angry ,frustrated etc.
Always here for you, as I really do relate to what you are feeling/going through.
Be gentle on yourself.
Hugs Julie x
Posted on 20/02/2017 12:47
Thank you Julie I really hope I do come out of this soon as I'm stock piling my pills as if something doesn't change by the end of this summer then I don't want to be here no more x
Posted on 20/02/2017 13:55
I am struggling with some bad shit too. It's hard to move forward and heal from it, even with therapy.
If you are in Ireland try writing complaints to the HSE at email@example.com. That is how I got therapy. I had to push for it to give it to me. I still have therapy a year later and it helps a bit. Keep complaining. I am sure there is stuff on NHS that if you look you can find. I also applied to Dialectical Behavioural Therapy on the website of the HSE.
Ask your doctor to refer you to a psychiatrist so you can access the psychiatric care. The doctor can also refer you to a few weeks of counselling called Counselling In Primary Care. This is in Ireland. http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/Mental_Health_Services/counsellingpc/
The best thing you can do is navigate the public health service mental health sites and see what services are available and either apply directly or through the psychiatrists. Apply for anything with therapy.
I got a therapist and he won't discharge me because I still am working on stuff.
With depression, try not to hit the bed. Try and get some exercise even if it's just a walk to the shop. Mood dependant behaviour and avoidance is predominant with depression. That means you hit the bed and avoid people and situations. You don't feel motivated to do much but you have to push yourself to do things. Even small things at first. Depression is really hard. I keep relapsing. I noticed if you can get a routine going you will feel better. With a routine, you just do the things and don't mind about your mood.
CBT is OK. It's a model that helps identify automatic thoughts and core beliefs. It asks you to challenge the way you think in order to move forward.
The best thing I found for depression is distraction. Like playing computer games and watching TV.
Try and get on some antidepressants. Mirtazapine is a good duo to put with any SSRI or SNRI. Ask to be put on an SNRI like venlafaxine or duloxetine. Also ask to be put on Mirtazapine too. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_rocket_fuel California rocket fuel is the most effective treatment for depression.
With medication it really depends too if it has side effects so it's trial and error.
I hope you can get over your cheating ex. Don't let them pull you down to the gutter. Keep hopeful that enough work and patience can get you through and standing on your own too feet.
I feel pretty down on a daily basis. I normally get out for a drive in the morning for a shop and read the newspaper. I feel reading the newspaper and having a coffee in the morning helps me keep connected with daily living and pulls me out of my head.
I also watch the soaps with my mum in the evening time. They are a good distraction. Maybe you can get in on the soaps.
If you have a few TV shows to watch during the day that is good too. You should also try Netflix to distract yourself.
I play computer games like world of warcraft and that helps me loads too.
These are only the small things that keep me going.
You could try adult colouring books. They are meant to be helpful and therapeutic.
Maybe take up an instrument or other hobbies. Try and get out to courses.
I used go to mental health group and it was helpful.
Posted on 21/02/2017 09:58
Good morning nanniesue.
I completely agree with the comments/advice that Aindrui has given. Please do not stock pile medication; they have been prescribed for you to get to a better place. If you aren't taking them then you will never feel better. You deserve be feel better; not rubbish as you do now. You have put off feeling better for long enough; you owe it to yourself and your children ,if you have any.xx
I completely understand what a dark, frightening ,sad place you are in as my ex committed adultery and then played mind games for 3 years.
When someone who had gone through the break up of a long marriage ,just like I was going through after 30 years told me that she didn't believe that she would ever be happy despite being told that she would.
5 years later ,she was happy. Yes, changes had to be made in her life but she had survived.
I too, on being told the above never ever imagined that my life would ever improve; it has and yours will also if 'you allow it',Open the door as you will never know what is on the other side if you don't.
It really is the worst place ever and you don't even know where /how to begin healing; so deep is the hole that you have been thrown in too.
Don't expect anything to change overnight; as you now know ;it isn't that simple. You really will have to be patient.
Set yourself small goals each day. Delve deep to achieve them. Walking is so beneficial, even if it is only for 10 minutes at first. Gradually increase that walk.
Do your utmost to stay away from your bed; I lived in my bed as it was where I felt safe and alone.
Don't give yourself a 'time scale' as you are setting yourself up to fail before you have even started.
Occupy yourself as much as possible. Focus on something that you enjoy.
Looking back routine is the best way to go forward.
I can't say how long it was before a day had gone and I hadn't cried over what was happening. Fear was also a part of it ,as I didn't know what my future would be like; I couldn't even imagine me ever having a future; I was that low.
It is a case of delving deep inside and no matter how many times you tell yourself that 'you can't do it anymore' delve deeper because YOU CAN DO IT NANNIESUE'.
If your husband/ex husband returned you would become paranoid that he was cheating again. The trust that you have built up during your time together will never be replaced; no matter how many times you tell yourself that it would and his affair didn't matter.
It would and it would eat in to you. Be gentle on yourself; you deserve better, just like I did.
I never ever thought that I would get over him nor did I want to at the start. I stood by him for over 3 years ;3 years of my life wasted; that today makes me angry.
Remind yourself that he was the one at fault not you; he doesn't deserve you. I am a firm believer in 'you reap what you sow' .
I would fiercely protect my ex but now I no longer do that ; I now tell the truth regarding why he left and his actions following it.
Try and turn this around and see it as a new beginning. Once you start doing things just for you ; you will realize how good your life will be. Enjoy being on your own and in your own company. In time ; you will know when you are ready to embark on finding someone who will love/cherish you for who you are; just like I did; something that I never ever thought that I would want as I was so in love with my now ex.
He did the best thing in cheating ; I now realize how controlling he was under the name of 'love'. My life has changed so much; yes it has been a long road but I am at the other end and so will you. Once you push yourself and reach out to the great things that are on offer .
Don't waste your energy on 'what if' ; take a deep breath and go for it; Don't allow yourself to come up with 10 reasons why you 'can't do something'; just like I did.
Please, please feel free to chat to me. I really do understand how hard/dark you life at the moment may appear to you; I really do.
Here I am , this is ME and I am much stronger than you ever thought I'd be.
If you say this out loud to yourself ; you will believe it.
You are an amazing lady who now needs to put your past aside and grab a great future planned by you.
Love yourself and live.
Little by little, day by day .
Posted on 21/02/2017 22:04
I am taking my depression tablets but I don't always take my sleeping tablets but now the doctor thinks I may have sleep apnea so hopefully that will be soon also I see my psychiatrist in two weeks so will hopefully get proper medication and help as I no deep inside me that I shouldn't be feeling like this as I have a lot apart from my first love loving me back the way I love him and yes I do have kids with him 4 and we now have 7 grandchildren and my kids don't have much to do with him because how he treated me so I'm really lucky and he has given me the house and car so two more years I will be mortgage free so I have nothing to complain about as I'm always being told but I would give it all up for him just to say I really did love you and I'm sorry x
i don't no how I'm going to carry on without him I love him more than life itself x
Posted on 22/02/2017 11:17
Good Morning nanniesue,
I really do feel your pain and heartache. I was also of the mindset that i would walk to the end of the earth for my now ex. I adored him, I truly did. I also uttered your very same words regarding losing everything just to have him ,along with not knowing how you will carry on without him. I honestly did.
Well meaning people , including my family would tell me constantly 'how I had everything' and yes deep down I knew that i did, but I was that low as the saying goes; "I couldn't see the wood for the trees".
My ex had mental health issues and I made excuses for his behaviour; but it wasn't all M/H .
At the start , he informed me that 'if I didn't sign the divorce petition then I would lose the house" I agreed to everything despite him portraying me as ;an unfit mum, wife, daughter ; he even accused me of disowning his parents . That was heartbreaking to read but looking back as my family & even solicitor knew it was all fabrication. Most people fell about laughing up on reading it; I didn't find it funny. It was all said to justify his actions.
As part of the settlement, I had the house and he did pay it off . Your ex hasn't really done you any favours for your benefit; it is for him.
In time you will become angry ;you honestly will . You will come to realize that under no circumstances do you deserve to be cheated on. You will be angry at the unfairness of how he has treated you. You will be angry at how he appears to be getting on with his life and enjoying all the things that you no doubt had planned for your old age ; going away for holidays, days out, jobs around the house/garden.
You will feel hurt that he appears to have forgotten all about your /his children. We also had 4 ; the 2 nd youngest asked for help with paying a months rent whilst he was at uni; he was studying so hard along with working long hours in a bar part time. He didn't receive help as his dad was too busy making a new life impressing his new partner.
He too doesn't have a relationship with 2 of his children and the one he has with the older 2 is erratic.
At this moment in time ; you need to focus on you. I knew deep down that I wasn't to blame but I did blame myself, I also knew that I was worth so much more but I didn't know how to get to a better place inside me.
I also thought the same as regarding my future; looking back it was fear of the unknown and coping on my own. You can be surrounded by lots of loving family/friends but you feel so alone.Your marriage break up is like a death; you have to go through the painful grieving process; the only difference being is that your ex is very much alive.
How long have you now been separated?
Have you sorted out all your finances ?
Set yourself small targets; decorating , doing the garden. Don't set goals too far in to the future as you probably can't even see that far. I felt pressurized in to looking for a new job as I was working part time after giving up a professional career to raise our family. I knew deep down that I wasn't in the right mind to do anything so drastic as I wasn't mentally well enough. When the time is right, you will know ; just like I did. Don't do anything that you aren't comfortable or ready to do as you are under enough stress as it is.
There is no magic spell to take away all of your pain but it will ease in time; honestly. You will get to a point when a day will pass without you even thinking of him; you need time to mourn for what you have lost but please believe me in time it could be the best thing .You will emerge as a stronger person who will see life so differently. It will be the making of you ;when the time is right.
Accept that it is 'normal' to feel how you are feeling at the moment. You will have all the emotions running through your mind....it's normal.
I used to stay up in to the early hours as I knew that once I went to bed then my mind would become my enemy; it was frantic. I would feel physically sick as night time approached. My head would feel like it was going to explode as I would become totally focused on my ex; never really believing that he would leave me for ever.
All I wanted was for my ex to say 'sorry' for all the nasty things that he did following our break up; to say sorry for repeatedly returning home , promising us the world and then running away when I had gone out. He always appeared to be intent on hurting me even more as he would 'run' when I was out enjoying myself. In the end, I was used to returning to an empty wardrobe with some 'Dear John' letter awaiting me. I wanted for him to explain why he cheated, spent the equivalent of what I earned in 1 month on her in 2 weeks. Why he lied about working away etc. Like me, you will never hear what you want to hear; although you probably won't believe me just yet ; just like I never believed friends who had gone through similar telling me.
He is a coward to this day ;as he has never actually told me the above. He blocked me on f/book. I did recently bump in to him and informed him that I know it was all planned ; him even remarrying in secret; Do you know what he told me?
"That it wasn't planned; he just wanted some sort of stability"
That made me smile as he has had a relationship based on lies/deceit and he married her based on lies/deceit. He is petrified that I will meet her and he will always be afraid of the truth coming out.
It has been a long, painful journey ;all my self esteem disappeared ; I had no future in my life nor did I want one without him in it...just like you are feeling .
There has to come a time when you learn to let go of 'what you had' if you love someone so very much you don't commit adultery ; you don't make them feel a failure etc.
No married person deserves to be treated like that; there is no justification at all to do that to someone whom you have dedicated your life too.
I truly wish that I could fast forward you to the better place that really is waiting for you. I wish that I could replay to you what I went through and where I am now.
You have to stop waiting for him to say 'sorry' and accept that the damage has been done. I really do understand how hard it is to readjust but the fact that you mentioned 'carrying on without him ' is an indication that 'fear' is preventing you. Just like me.
You can and will get through this horrible time. Take baby steps ;little by little, day by day.
It is important to put you first ; do things for you, no matter how small.
Please, please contact me at any time; I totally understand how low you are feeling ; you are mirroring exactly my thoughts, feeling and emotions ...all normal.
Hope that the below helps you ,just like it helped me.
And once the storm is over , you won 't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure , in fact whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in.
nanniesue; you won't believe the above... yet; but you will realize just how true the above is once you emerge out on the other side. Keep chipping away. xxx
Posted on 22/02/2017 19:11
Thank you for all your kind words , me and my ex split nearly 3 yrs ago and the next time I will probably see him will be at my daughters wedding in June in Greece we are all going for 2 weeks but he is coming for 3 days and stopping near by not in our hotel because his bitch isn't allowed and she won't let him come for longer I think I'm lucky in a way as I've met her and know a lot about her and I attacked her the last time I seen her only because she spread lies about me . my ex is the 3rd relationship she has broken up and is known to do these things I just hate her so much given the chance I will kill her x
Posted on 23/02/2017 14:00
My ex actually decided that despite accepting one of sons wedding invitation as ;he wouldn't miss it for the world' he would show up and then lie saying that he was working actually on the wedding day!!
He also recently ignored his sons 21st ; along with a Graduation, first grandchild, Christmas . His 'excuse' would be because he felt it better not to ruin the day for everyone. . A coward if ever there was one. His f/book brags how' you don't need to receive a text or card to know that you are a good dad' What a load of tosh.
His new wife; also has my name?? was apparently from a abusive marriage.Yet, she didn't have access to her children. She is as delusional as he is. Match made in Heaven.
My ex was sending 'her' vile, malicious letters under my name; I was arrested as she felt' threatened and afraid in her own home. I have never ever been in trouble in my life and suddenly I was being taken out of my home to face a police car and a police van. I had to endure the humiliation etc for something that I was totally unaware of. They had told the officer that they had been together for 2 years...lies as he had been here and we were planning for his return. He turned up at the custody suite crying ,wanting to take me home. To this day she doesn't know it was him who sent the vile letter; apparently the police weren't allowed to tell her the truth.
I totally understand how /why angry you are at her; she isn't worth it nor is your ex.
You ex won't be the last of her conquests.
Karma is a wonderful thing and they will both get what they deserve. I totally blamed her for taking advantage of a vulnerable man; he really was mentally unbalanced at the time. A crisis team wanted to visit following a chat with his doctor but we didn't know where he was living.
nanniesue; your ex doesn't deserve you; so let her have your sloppy seconds. He won't be her last; no man leaves his family if he doesn't have somewhere to go. Reality will kick in, it is just a matter of time. They have had the excitement of having an affair but now that the honeymoon period will be over they will get bored as they don't have the history that you had. She obviously has trust issues with him; rightly so as he cheated on you. She will spend the 3 days contacting him constantly as whatever happens will be out of her control.
I actually thought of what I would say /do if I ever saw him ; I did and he meant nothing to me; he was fat and old looking. i am with a gorgeous looking partner ,who is everything my ex isn't. He is my world now and I feel truly blessed in my life.
His ex committed adultery with the builder who was fitting their bathroom; Her justification for the affair is because' he made her laugh' My partner was suffering from depression ;being diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Don't waste your anger; steer it in to something positive. Just remember ; they will both get what they deserve in life...misery .
In time , you will feel like the cat who got the cream; you are the winner here; he is the loser.
Harsh as it is; it takes 2 to have an affair. He made the choice to do all that he has to you. Please don't just blame her; I hate to put that but it is true as I eventually came to realize.
She has believed all the lies that my now ex told her ;lets see how loyal she is when his bubble bursts as he was diagnosed as being 'psychotic and delusional' something looking back over all the years together is true.
Keep chatting; I will help you to get to were you need to be mind set wise. Use me to vent /channel your anger. I felt that the more I disclosed what my ex did to me ,the less impact it had on my mindset. Release your pent up emotions. It is a brilliant way to heal.
Stay strong and focused nanniesue.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Posted on 24/02/2017 09:33
Thank you your life does mirror my own as his bitch does try to stir up trouble every now and then she accused me of stealing her coat with her BMW car keys in and first it was £100 then £200 in pocket even though she got the coat back the next morning the bar man had picked it up and all my family and friends no that I'm not a thieve and said she made that up as I didn't react to her being there on that day and not causing any drama so she had to make that up she tells my ex I ring her up at work and give her abuse he knows she is lieing and goes mad at her he recons that nobody sees what he sees in her I do have a new boyfriend but still can't let go of my ex my boyfriend says he loves me and I think I do him but I can't even have a orgasam with him because I deep down think I'm letting my ex down for loving someone else so I doubt my love for him I just don't no how to move on completely x