Coping with depression after the loss of a parent

https://www.carenity.co.uk/static/themes-v3/default/images/en/header/depression.jpg

Patients Depression

13 answers

80 views

Topic of the discussion

1


Posted on

Hi

Wasn"t sure where to post this but just wanted to open up about something  I'm experiencing.

Have been suffering with depression since my 20's (now 52). I had been living with my elderly parents for a while who both hd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. With medication I have been able to outwardly look like I have been coping but not really dealing with pent up emotions. Due to my father's worsoning condition it was becoming apparent that he was becoming a danger to my mothers well being so to cut a long story short he has ended up in a care home. So over the past 2-3 years it's been me and various carers looking after mum. Things seemed ok before covid with my mum going to a day centre and although she was becoming more confused there and at home it was what it was. She was meeting people ,getting excercise  etc. Then covid struck and the day centre was closed. I started working from home and was able to keep an eye on her, wash, dress and make her comfortable. She became more distressed at the end of june but I couldn't communicate with her to find out why but she kept saying she was worried, scared and help me. After a couple of days I called an ambulance and they were concerned with her heart. She had never smoked or was overweight. If anything she was underweight. They eventually found out that she had suffered a heart attack but there was no indication it was life threatening and many days they said she would be home one day or the next. Unfortunately she died on 1st July and I'm heartbroken. I wasnt able to visit her and I desperately thought her seeing a recognisable face would see her through. I've been having suicidal thoughts and even prepared everything to hang myself. The house is now empty of everything, love, meaning, companionship etc. I have always found it hard to open up about my feelings which has definitely contributed to my on and off depression and now I'm rock bottom I have no other choice. I'm not sure how posting this is supposed to help. I have her funeral on 17th july and the dark clouds are growing more and more and there seems no escape. Maybe I just want one person to say I'll be ok. Love Alan.

Beginning of the discussion - 15/07/2020

Coping with depression after the loss of a parent
1


Posted on

@Magpies1 Hello Alan, thank you for sharing your story and feelings with us. I am so sorry for your loss. Coping with the loss of a parent is difficult enough, but these difficult times we are living surely do not make it any easier. Please know that the Carenity community is here to support you. 

If you ever feel like you cannot cope with the feelings you've been having any longer, please don't hesitate to contact eh Samaritans, they're available to talk 24/7, 365 days a year and you can call them from anywhere in the UK or Ireland for free. Having someone to just listen can sometimes be a great help. You can get in touch with them by phone at 116 123 or by email at jo@samaritans.org

Let me tag some members who can maybe share some words of support with you.

Hello everyone, have you ever experienced profound loss after the death of a loved one? What did you do to cope? Do you have any advice or words of support for Alan?
@Joseph1779‍ @Vickyrichardsbrum@Bubblesrolo16@DorotaS@Tigger.co.uk@Cathy45@Phil66@LeeBee@yo-yoing@Martachris@Jonolco@Janais@Dalrossi@Minpeblib@DonnaWorton@Halfpint70@blackpool66‍ 

Take care,
Courtney

Coping with depression after the loss of a parent

Posted on

Thank you soooooo much Courtney. Desperately need help x

Coping with depression after the loss of a parent
1


Posted on

Hi there my dad spent 28 yrs in a mental hospital in 1980 my dad fell out of his hospital window and died ,i was 26 yrs old and i had to identify his body i did this because my mother wasnt in a good way so i did this for her ,but in 1995 i lost my mum to lung cancer i nursed her for six months i had to get up in the morning at 4.30 am go by taxi get her up washed and dressed then give her ,breakfast ,then get and catch the bus start my job 6.30am for overtime till 8am ,then 12 noon get a taxi go to mums get her dinner give her  a quick wash then go get a taxi go back to work till 4pm do another hr overtime then get a bus go to mine get tea for my family, then go back to my mums give her some tea sit for an hr with her then get her ready for bed then go back home get myself something to eat i did this every day for 3 months till my doctor told me that i should give my mum some rest at an home so my mum went in but the boss in the home said your not going to listen so i suppose you will have to have a key and let yourself in so i did this again for another 3 months after the 6th of February i lost her i was absolutely devastated as she was all i had in the world apart from my children but i had a nervous breakdown and i had to seek help i had bereavement councilling but it has taken a long time to get over it i dont think you ever do it just gets a little easier the job i was doing at the time was building ink jet printers i worked for domino uk and from my house it was 2 miles in a taxi and to go to work it was 9 miles and i did this every day for 6 months and on the 4th of February i had to go to my sons wedding and put on a smile and a brave face knowing my mum was dying ,the only one that helped me was my young  son and daughter the other son was on his honeymoon. Tiger 

Coping with depression after the loss of a parent
2


Posted on

Oh my God. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Just reading that wore me out so I cant imagine how you got through that but I'm so glad that you did. It kind of has put things into perspective but my head and physical health is finding it hard to find clarity. Where did you get your strength from to carry on? My mum was elderly, she wasnt well, I dont think she suffered etc but it feels like I've lost my job, I've been diagnosed with cancer, lost my home, lonely and isolated, the worst person in the world etc. Its not at all like that but that's what the burden feels like. Stupid I know but there is my anxiety and depression. I seriously cant thank you enough for opening up and I really do hope you feel good about yourself (I dont like saying proud as I dont think that is necessarily a good thing) when you look back at the help and sacrifice you gave your loved ones. I have contacted a bereavement and counselling service and well see if that helps. You have given me a much needed kick up the backside to try not feeling sorry for myself. God bless you Tiger for reaching out to me. Alan

Coping with depression after the loss of a parent

Posted on

I do hope you find comfort alan i do understand how people deal with things differently i still have a lot going on now as my  health at the moment is not very good i am in remission with breast cancer, emphysema and lymphoedema, now i have been diagnosed with osteoporosis, and i have many more illnesses that i am trying to deal with ,it worries me when i go out im petrified of catching this virus, i shall be wearing my mask all though i have emphysema and havebeen told i dont have to but i really feel as though ive got to stop myself for catching this terrible pandemic will you  be wearing a mask to hdlp yourself please take care stay safe but go see a bereavement councilling they are very good Tiger 

Coping with depression after the loss of a parent
1


Posted on

I'm still trying to get used to wearing the mask but it seems it's going to be compulsory soon. You're in my prayers. Love Alan

Coping with depression after the loss of a parent

Posted on

I went out yesterday for a walk into town well i say a walk but we took the car into town my trev put my rolator in the car and when i got into town it felt goid i did wear a mask but it helped me such a lot as many yrs ago i used to self harm by pulling lumps of my hair out ,making it bleed and having bald patches on my head ,last week i started doing it again but when i looked in thd mirror it up set me to see one bald patch so i shook myself and said never again i used my eyeliner to cover it up just like before so i new it had to stop before it got worse and i surely didnt want that but just going out for a walk it has helped me nobody wants to be penned in every day it was so upsetting i wore my mask but feeling free was great now im not so scared of venturing out i do hope everyone will stay safe and keep well. Tiger xxx 

Coping with depression after the loss of a parent

Posted on

Well done Tigger. It's good to get a change of scenery and some fresh air. Dont worry your hair will grow back but try not to pull it anymore. Keep trying to get out a bit more without being afraid. Keep in touch. Alan

Coping with depression after the loss of a parent
1


Posted on

Hi magpies 1 i do hope you are coping more thank you for your kind words, i am feeling a lot better now i did go to pull on my hair yesterday but as i went to do it i stopped straight away i thought about the lovely things i did with my mum and the thought of her stopped me when i had my councilling a while back she told me to think of something and really concentrate on it then slowly tap each leg while concentrating on my picture and i have to say it helped i thought of my mum being in our beautiful garden and i really concentrated on that picture then i tapped each leg slowly and it was like all the pain had gone so now when i am feeling really down i do this and it really helps why dont you give it a go it might work  and help you thank you take care stay safe Tigger