feeling so lost
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I have just joined this site and am looking for some advice.
My depression was first 'diagnosed' when I was 14 and I've had it on and off ever since then. The last 6 years it has been constant, and I've tried Councilling, CBT and 9 different anti-depressants. I've been on one type for 2 years now and it makes it just about bearable, but I've never felt 'normal'. I still have my blind rages for no reason and my days where I am too empty to get out of bed but they work better than any of the others I have tried. But Why can't we find anything that makes me feel normal?
The last 6 years have been pretty rough with some bad things going on that I've always thought of as the cause of my feelings, but for the last couple of years all of those things have been getting better and it has got to the point I can't see any reason that I could be unhappy anymore.
Me and my fiance recently got married and we both hoped after the wedding planning was over I would be happy and settle into family life. But instead without the planning as a distraction I feel worse than before.
My husband supports me more than I could ever hope but it hurts him that I am down, he sees it as him failing to make me happy and then I get more upset because I have hurt him.
Everyone keeps telling me how happy I should be feeling and I know I should be, life is going well right now, but I can't understand why I feel so low. I want more than anything to be a great wife and a fun, happy and caring mother to my 7 year old daughter, but instead it is them that gets the brunt of my negative emotions.
Please help, does anyone have any advice as I am at a loss :(
Hi Kittykat. Welcome to this forum. I hope you find the help and advice you need on here. First of all you don't say what type of advice you are seeking or on what subject. I presume on Depression?
Quite a lot to start with on what you've mentioned in a short post.
Can you remember what may have triggered your depression?
Can you think of any series of events leading up to that point that may have built up to it happening?
What was your home life, parents like?
Can you think what triggers your 'blind rages'?
Congratulations on getting married. I hope it lasts for life. However, our roles as partners, husband and wife is not to please one another. We should already be pleased with one another. We shouldn't be trying to please anyone, That can over time become hardwork and tiresome if the one partner feels incapable of pleasing the one and the other feels the other cant make them happy. That is a disaster waiting to happen.
I hope for both your sakes this isn't the case.
Some couples can use marriage or having children as a 'sticking plaster' to cover over the deeper wounds, hurts or inadequacies the one party may be feeling, thinking 'this will make my life happier', not realising the new pressures of being a newly wed or having a baby places on people, who maybe already emotionally tender or fragile.
Its natural and good that your new husband supports and tries to understand you. Please try not to take your negative emotions out on your husband and daughter, which can be the easiest thing to do. Try to take your negative feelings out on inanimate objects, that are impervious to being hurt emotionally by your venting. I used to have a big log in the garden and a hammer or axe and go and beat the s#@t out of it when I was angry in the past, which my wife used to laugh at. But it worked.
You say you've tried all sorts of things. I know of a place that does healing for Anger issues. They have an Anger Tree that people take their anger out on. You can go for free healing taster days, or retreats of just buy books/cd on Anger. No, I'm not an affiliate or sponsored by them, but have experienced their Ministry to Men weekend.
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