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I am currently in a very dark place. I have been through several cycles of depression and have been able with the help of medication & therapy come out the other side.
This time I have avoided going to the doctors and have tried to use the skills from my CBT to work through the depression, knowing that there is another side.
But I am have very dark and negative thoughts, not necessarily of suicide, but more like fantasizes of not waking up, or hoping to be a victim of a murder or accident or contracting a terminal illness.
I have only seriously attempted suicide once and all I was able to do was make myself very sick for a day, I completely failed so will probably not try again as will undoubtedly fail again.
I know these thoughts are unhealthy and unhelpful to me, but I have no-one to talk to about them, without feeling stupid and a failure.
I feel I am being a burden and what does anyone really care about me. Friends don't get in touch any more as I have pushed them away in the past and my family do not talk or share any of our feelings - ever.
I know just how you feel. I'm feeling exactly the same, I some times wonder what is life all about
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I have awful thoughts of accidentally hurting the ones I love physically and it makes me feel sick hot headed and I just want to run away and be on my own.
ive read a few self help books and I know it's my mind overacting (ocd) and the fact I know it's wrong is why it's repeated in my head asif it's at the top of my list of thoughts which it is because I get such a strong horrible feeling from it. Knowing that my thoughts will ever happen and the fact I'm worried and scared about it shows I am healthy and kind, but I do sometimes slip into the fear that I want to happen what I'm thinking when I know I dont!!
Hi to all,
I am all too familiar with these awful thoughts and feelings, feeling alone and scared that I am going crazy. Sometimes I feel that I can't tell anyone because I fear the labels associated with mental health. I recently found a stack of diaries dating back to the 1990's (I am now 41) and even back then some of the thoughts and feelings were there and as I read I became so sad that I have been living with the ''disease' for so many years........
The irony......... I am a professional Mental Health Worker, trained in CBT, Psychology, Counselling etc etc....... I know all the therapies, tried and tested, evidence based, positive outcomes and yes they work, BUT I have to ask, why have they not worked for me? I try so hard to understand and wonder whether perhaps my knowledge and professional experience is a hindrance, is it making me think too much? BUT I am still alive and thankful for every day, I work with others because I know I CAN help and I have seen so many people change and their depression becomes less and less, they control it rather than it overwhelming them.
To all those with dark thoughts, there is ALWAYS someone to listen, day or night, whenever you need it. Your GP is not always around and fear sometimes stops us seeking help there, but in every geographical area there will be crisis teams, Samaritans, NHS Direct or even A&E. Thoughts do NOT make us evil, wrong, crazy, murderers or psychopaths, they are often a symptom of an illness which has taken over.
I watched a short DVD recently (google 'black dog called depression' it's on YouTube) and it really sums Depression up well.
I wanted to share a bit of myself to show that even those of us working in Mental Health can also have the illness that we are helping others to treat. I do it to give back, I have had some amazing Therapists in my lifetime which have probably kept me sane. They certainly helped me battle some inner demons, memories of past events that still haunted me. The BIGGEST thing to remember is that THOUGHTS ARE JUST THOUGHTS - we all have them, every day, dark ones, funny ones, light ones, silly ones, it is NORMAL (whatever normal is!!)....... You CANNOT stop thoughts, the more you try not to, the more you will, let them pass through your mind, recognise them, accept them as JUST THOUGHTS and let them go because you DO have the power to do that part, letting them go is giving you back the power.
Sending blessings and sunshine thoughts to all xx
Thank you for taking time out of your lives to read my comment and to share your thoughts, I appreciate it. This week has been a better one, so here is to next week and hoping it's even better
Hi just to say the black dog books are fantastic as well. I think there are two now - one for us and then one for anyone (family members, friends etc) who is supporting us.
i am glad your week is better - next week will be better.
look after yourself xx
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