I hate me
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I am being so horrid to my hubby esp today. My Dad is terminally ill and I had to call a gp out yesterday, luckily he's just got a chest infection and the antibiotics are already helping. He's up and about today after having a temp of 40 yesterday. Now I know I didn't sleep well last night but we have been to parents in law's house today to take some shopping so when they come off their hols tomorrow they have got some fresh milk etc. After we were going to have lunch out but when we went to a local garden centre cafe they hadn't got what I fancied and my mind just went blank. I didn't know what I wanted, whether to go elsewhere or to come home. Now I do have poor concentration at times due to chronic fatigue syndrome and depression but hubby was trying to be calm but I could tell he was getting fed up. We came home in the end and had lunch here and I have apologised but he just says " not to worry " or "never mind" but in an exasperated voice. We had lunch and now I'm in the bedroom and he's in the lounge. He went downstairs earlier and I got worried as he had been some time but he'd been sat outside with a neighbour and that irritated me more. If I had suggested sitting out he wouldn't want to, I keep sticking my fingers up at him though he can't see. I'm annoyed, angry even and he hasn't done anything, so then I feel more and more guilty. I wouldn't blame him if he hated me, I hate me, why am I so evil? I feel really anxious. I don't want my Dad to suffer like my Mum did but I don't want him to go, how can I go on without my Hero? A couple of friends have said well he's had a good life, a good innings- he's 88 but that doesn't stop the pain. My sister is coming over more often but she has been really horrid in the past so I always get anxious if I am going to see her, not knowing what she is going to say next. Last Sunday I knew we were all going to have Sunday lunch together and got so wound up that by the time we sat down I was struggling to stop myself having a panic attack. ( a couple of years ago she told me our Mum was turning in her grave because of me) I've forgiven her but can't forget. I am trying hard to keep the peace for Dad's sake. Is it all my fault, do I poison everyone, a part of me still blames myself for my Mum's death and when I start to drop it all comes back. I can't stop crying and don't know what to do. I want to hurt, I want to run away so I don't hurt anyone else or I want to hideaway for the same reason. I'm tired.
Sorry for such a long tirade, once I started I couldn't stop.- maybe that's a good thing at least it's let some of it out.
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Hi, I understand your post. It is sad to read about your dad.
I don't mean to upset you but it made me giggle as I was exactly the same as you are regarding your relationship with your husband. Sticking your fingers up behind his back.
My now ex decided to lead a double life after 30 years of marriage. He was totally controlling and when he left uttering the famous words; "It isn't you, it's me I need to sort myself out ".The lies, deceit and down right nastiness was unbelievable .I didn't even know who supplied our utilities!!
At the time this was happening, my elderly dad was diagnosed with COPD, my sister was diagnosed with cancer and I was facing redundancy. My emotions went through the roof. It was such a dark, frightening ,lonely time in my life.
The turning point came when I thought how easy it would be to walk out in front of traffic. I went to my GP and although medication didn't solve my problems , they eased my frantic mind enabling me to focus on my issues and let me start to work on them instead of letting them overwhelm me like they had been doing. I feel that this is the point where you are at now.
You must feel so overwhelmed and that is so understandable.
Facing the future is a frightening thought when going through so much right now. You are suffering so much, hence the negative thoughts regarding yourself. Maybe the anger you feel is because you can't control what your dad is sadly going through thus bringing back memories which must be so painful?
You have hit the nail on the head; you are suffering with anxiety depression.
Please get professional help. The hardest thing is acknowledging that you need help, not just for yourself but for your husband/family. Acknowledge, accept and embrace help; along with helping yourself as the hard work can only come from you.
My advice is to be gentle to yourself. Find a way of releasing your anger in to something positive.
Be accepting of the 2 steps forward , 3 steps backward approach.
Take time out for you; do things just for you, no matter how small.
Concentrate on your breathing, especially in times of feeling anxious. I still concentrate on my breathing even to this day. It can be such a calming emotion.
It wasn't a nice thing that your sister said to you but don't accept her comment; that is up to her. The same goes to your friends; although I am sure it was said with good intentions I doubt that they meant to hurt you.
It must be so frightening for you even contemplating a day without your beloved dad in it. Take each day as it comes. Yes, when the time comes it will break your heart but that is in the future so try not to think that far ahead.
Embrace every moment you have with him making memories to look back on with fondness and love.
My most important piece of advice is to talk, talk and talk some more. Please don't cut your husband out as he must be suffering also.
This is the ideal place to vent/release your stresses/emotions.
Little by little, day by day.
I am always here for you if you want to chat or get some support.
Big hugs wrapped with love.
Hi Julie, thank you for listening and for your advice, I really appreciate it. I feel calmer today and you are right the breathing idea is great and I have been trying to reteach myself to breathe from the bottom of my lungs- take deeper breaths and also to breathe through my nose, as long as my hayfever lets me. I realised quite recently that I generally breathe through my mouth then remembered a girl at school told me I breathed noisily so started breathing through my mouth. I am on antidepresents and have diazapam for when panic starts. Dad is a lot better today and has just rung me while my sister is out so we could catch up in private. He said "she's staying till the weekend she thinks, I could do without it". It did make me smile. He said a couple of weeks ago that she hardly ever came before his diagnosis unless it was as a stop over or for a school reunion. I guess she feels a bit guilty as she wasn't there for Mum in the 5 years she was ill - she was still working then; and maybe is feeling guilty for not coming over to see Dad that often. I would do anything for her and I know she would do anything for me but there is 14 yrs difference between us and she went to teacher training college when I was the age she was aiming to teach so often she makes me feel like the 4yr old I was then and speaks to me like that. She speaks to Dad like it a bit too and doesn't credit us with any sense. If we disagree with her we are doing it to spite her or we are just wrong. Having said all that she has been better this week and took me to an appointment earlier.
Hubby is good really and I know I always have his support and love. Neither of us like to argue which in one way is good but in another means we sulk more.
Thank you again, you are a star!
lots of love and big hugs
Thanks for the catch up. Just pleased to help you ,small as it is.
You sound like you have a great loving relationship with your dad. I too have older siblings so understand the clash syndrome .
The nice thing is that in time of crisis, family's stick together.
It was lovely to read that you have had a better day. Just remember not to be too harsh on yourself, it is totally acceptable to have a down day , just try not to let them rule your life.
Always here for you.
Big hugs wrapped with love.
Hi Mandy I know how you feel,my Dad passed away in November and before he did I was spending 8/9 hours a day at the care home with him.I don't think my Husband understands my depression but then how can he when I don't myself and I find it hard to talk to him about it because I feel I will become a burden.We hardly ever argue but on Saturday he chopped up onion and he did it wrong,so I told him and he put his finger in my face and said he was sick of me talking to him like s**the. Later he told me he loved me and we are both under stress.I sometimes wonder if he would be better off without me.Im so pleased you are feeling a bit better Mandy,it does us good to get it all out so to speak.I can only say be kinder to yourself,you are going through so much x
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Hi Whoami, sorry for your loss. I'm lucky my husband does understand depression and other mental health problems as he has suffered with it too. He works for Mind and that's how we met, he was a volunteer when I started going to a drop in service they ran here. My Dad is doing okay at the moment, we've been to see the specialist today and he was pleased to see Dad looking a lot better from when he went into hospital and had the diagnosis.
Thank you so much for your encouragement,
Love Mandy xx
I think a lot of us here seem to be missing a big point, our partners are the one thing that's constant in all this and from what Im reading seem to be a much bigger support or rock to us all than we give credit for.
They will sound upset or tired at times as they are trying to be strong to you as well as everyone else around them and trying to keep going to make life as normal as possible.
Some of us feel we want to do it all on our own to keep strong keep face but that is probably our biggest downfall knowing we have someone there to help and share the burden and shut them out. Me included.
My dad passed way when he was 52 having just retired after working all his life. I never got to say or do so many things I wanted to. So if your parent is still with you but in a positive way and not suffering too much for a lot longer enjoy the time and make it the best you have and you will always look back and think. I did get to do as much as I could with them and if you both enjoyed it all the better.
But it is hard I hope what I have tried to say makes sense and other can relate to it and benefit from it.
Thanks Alun xx
Hi Mandy I'm so pleased to read the specialist thought your Dad was looking at lot better.I think with my Husband like Alun said I do shut him out,I think I feel if I let him in I might become a burden to him.Ive just come back from seeing a psychiatrist who has upped my antidepressants and given me something to help me sleep,she thinks the way forward is psychology now so I have a phone call appointment on Friday to see what we do next.I feel so emotionally drained today I'm looking forward to bedtime.Thinking of you Jeannette xx
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I too was diagnosed with anxiety depression ;which is a horrible in itself. My new partner has chronic myeloid leukemia [the rare form which can only be suppressed] He has a lot of personal problems resulting in him self medicating on alcohol. He is now receiving the help that he should have had at the very beginning but has been hospitalized due to his mental state. Despite suffering myself with depression, it is still hard to be patient. As the saying goes "We hurt those closest to us"and it is true.
We are only human .
We do tend to push those we love out just so that we don't hurt them but ultimately we do by those very actions.
Try to be honest and open at all times; this will benefit you both.
Communication is the most important thing that you can do.
I am sure that the increase in your medication will help you to feel more positive.
Big hugs wrapped with love.
Thank you Julie,I'm giving this everything I can to try and get better.Its funny how I can talk to doctors etc but can't talk to my Husband.It reminds me of a picture I once saw,where if someone asks how you are you say ok but inside your dying,think it's easier to say ok than really explain what's going especially when half of the time you know don't yourself xx
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I know I can tell or speak to anyone apart from my wife. Strange eh just keep talking and we will keep listening and I think that goes for anyone it's good to talk
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