Nothing but darkness, I really hate living

Well today has been a really fabulous day, I met with Huw, my counsellor, he almost had me in tears this morning, I already suggested I knew he'd get me a card, and possibly a small cake, like a cup cake with a candle on, but he went way beyond that, not only did I get a card, it was a minion card, I love the minions, from the despicable me films, and minions film, he knows I do, because I bought all the people I really care about, a laughing minion card, at Christmas, including Huw, and he notices those things, in the same way my parents should, he also bought me a full size chocolate birthday cake, complete with the words, Happy 30th Birthday, written on the top, complete with a candle , so a really nice celebration  he's such a wonderful guy, and I feel blessed that he's in my life

When I told him the police are now showing a lack of interest about my childhood abuse, he seemed genuinely quite upset and annoyed, he's saddened that the system has let me down, my entire life, and still continues to do so, he's scared that when my spy cams arrive, he's gonna get a call or message to say my dad has given me a beating, because he's found one, and that I'm in the hospital, but he also understands my need to get evidence, of what my dad is really like, and what I went through during my childhood

I also went to mind for a few hours, they also had a cake, freshly made chocolate fudge cake, made by one of the volunteers there, it was beautiful, we had lots of laughs there talking about how our day has been, about our likes for different foods, I'm a big pastry fan, I love pasties, so the volunteer who made the chocolate fudge cake, is gonna make me a breakfast pasty, I'm looking forward to tasting it, my brother used to work in a bakery, and breakfast pasty used to be one of my favourites

I also think it's important to demonstrate to others the support and friendship available here, I feel free to express my opinions and emotions freely here, and appreciate our friendship, and am always open for others to join in and feel included in the warm feeling it brings

Glad to hear you enjoyed the day yesterday, the garden centre sounds really relaxing, you're mum sounds like she has been a wonderful supportive person, who is slowly missing her independence, it's a shame you feel you have to watch her so closely, and that you fear things getting worse, but it seems for now, that at least she understands what not being able to drive any more means for her, I understand her fears for her independence, but also sympathise and understand your concerns as things progress and get harder, it's never easy to watch as their minds become distant, as I know from watching my grandparents

Try to focus on the positive thoughts, like taking you're mum to the beach when the weather is warmer, and the smile it will bring to her, I'm sure she appreciates you looking after her, despite her pride and independent feelings, cherish every positive moment and thought, nobody can ever take those away, I have memories of my grandfather, from when I was a child, that I still re-visit at times, of him happy dressed as Santa with his white beard, and in his riding gear on his favourite horse's back, riding round like a proud country gent

I do eventually fully intend to have Angela help me sort out the mess of the radiator, but for now, I'm just playing my housing association at their own game, deliberately ignoring it, and dragging it out, just as they did to me, I refuse to allow it to get to me, when I have enough to think about without it, I still have my rope, Huw, my counsellor, didn't see the need to take it from me, and thought my idea of taking to their office when Angela sets up the meeting, may be just the kick up the backside they need, to make them realise that they need to be more careful in future about how they treat people

I did manage to eat every scrap of my 20oz T-Bone Steak, except the bone, I took that home for Scooby to munch on, I also ate ice-cream after, I really struggled, and felt bloated for the rest of the day on Wednesday, but I did enjoy it

Being sat in the conservatory reading, sounds nice, and peaceful, especially with the warm sun shining , I guess the librarian is right about the library, it is the powers that be, usage has no reflection, here what was the library is a very old dilapidated building, but it's just been left empty, it was said for years they were going to demolish it, but it is still there, and seems like an eternal waste, it adjoins the old mother and toddler clinic, where my counsellor meets me, a dilapidated wreck of a building, but I still guess better than nothing, the only reason they haven't knocked the building down, is because they have nowhere else for the pregnancy health visitor to meet her patients

I'm going to see my friend Lisa tomorrow, I haven't seen her in months, she's Irish , so is a lot of fun, and will likely still be celebrating St Patricks day , she is in a relationship with my friend Vince who is a dj, so I think it'll be a fun day with the mixing decks, and a catch-up, along with entertaining their kids, who love me to pieces, because of my ADHD and endless energy 

I love the kids just as much, something we've taught them is to appreciate their surroundings, and make fun out of what they have, just because they don't have games consoles and fashionable toys like other local kids doesn't mean they can't be happy, too many parents go wrong spoiling their kids with games consoles and toys, when all the kids really need is their time and attention 

I had the kids playing with playing cards and pencils, building towers of cards and rolling pencils to knock over the towers, the last time I visited, it kept them amused for hours, we also played a game of hide and seek, and had a chase around the living room, that is until the 2 year old decided to run head first into the baby gate, and ended up with an almighty headache, but after my visit the kids slept well 

I just play in the same way I used to as a kid, nothing special, but to them it's like I'm super fun, I enjoy, Lisa and Vince enjoy watching me be happy, and Lisa enjoys having the much needed break, to put her feet up, and we all enjoy Vince providing a bit of background music whilst enjoying his mixing decks, so everybody wins, and there is no pressure while I'm there

Hope you have a great weekend

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x x  

Today really didn't go to plan, I was supposed to go see Lisa, but didn't get out of bed until just after 4:30pm, a bit late to go the 3 mile walk, so have re-arranged to see her tomorrow, I have a lot on my mind right now, including the removal of yet another of my safe spaces, that I once used when feeling scared, as an escape from my abuse

My best friend Sam's house got raided for drugs, they have taken her phone, shut down her Facebook, and last I heard she is now on bail, along with her partner, but I now consider their house, one of my previous safe spaces, a no go zone, she has been like a sister to me, and one of the only people who has been there for me, when nobody else has

I'm concerned about the police checking through her phone as there are personal messages between us on her phone, from when I've been really unwell, with suicidal content, and details of my childhood abuse, nothing incriminating on my part, but it was private, intended for her, who I trust like a sister, not anybody else

*Hugs wrapped with trembling thoughts, and much Love*

Stumpy. x x 

Good Morning my friend,

It was sad to read your last post. I hope that this week improves for you. I wouldn't worry too much regarding the messages that you sent when you were low; I imagine that the only thing the police are looking for is incriminating evidence against your friend and her partner.

It must be hard for you but it would be a real benefit if you surround yourself with positive people and not so much those that are struggling with their own issues. I really have your best interests at heart when I say that.

I found out on Friday that the person I support who has alcohol abuse issues has been dragged back down by his 'so called friend'. He apparently was in a bad way. Stumpy, he was doing so well. Obviously, it is his life/choice who he lets in to his flat but this 'friend' just uses him to buy his booze and get drunk until they are well and truly off their faces. The man I support lost his last flat due to this and he may likely lose this one due to him letting these friends in to his flat and supplying them with money he can't afford.

He has learning difficulties which makes us as support workers so frustrated/concerned as we just want the best outcome for him. We, as a team have recently got him in to a great scheme which he may now be kicked off. I can't tell you how upsetting it was to read the text sent . Sadly , it is his choice ,we can only support and advise .

Please don't take this the wrong way but that house isn't a safe place for you ; the safe places are where you will get positive support/shelter/safety and where there is no temptation staring you in your face. I do hope that your friend gets herself sorted out. x

I found out that one of my former employers who is a Priest is very poorly . Working for him was great fun. He no longer lives here ,but I am sorting out the courage to drive to where he is being cared for. I hate driving in unknown areas, but I will do it for him as he was such a lovely man to work for.

It seems like every way I turn there is sadness. My partner has really struggled regarding his appointment last week. I am trying not to think about it as it is so upsetting. I try to be positive.

What have you got on this week? Anything good to look forward to?

Try and look for the positives in your life and don't let circumstances overwhelm you. You have come so far my friend and should be so proud of yourself.

Take a deep breath and plod on ,just like you have done before and will continue doing because you are strong within. Delve deep , find your fighting spirit and drag it out.

Do something today that will make you feel good; no matter how small.

I hope to hear what it is that has brought a' feel good feeling ' later today in your post.

Sending positive, happy vibes wrapped in 

J xxx

Well I went to see my friend Lisa yesterday, just like I was supposed to on Saturday, I spent time with her and her partner, along with their kids, the eldest (2 years old), was enjoying climbing on me, and catching up, building towers with her toys and knocking them down, and even driving her duplo lego car over me, it was a wonderful relaxing day, away from my computer screen for a few hours, Lisa now knows of my struggle recently with suicidal thoughts, and I can go up any time I feel the need to talk, although I don't like to impose too much because of the kids 

I've not heard from my friends who's house got raided, and their house was truly a safe space, as despite their own issues, drugs were never ever pushed in my face, I know and understand that they only did what they did, to try to make ends meet, I don't hold that against them, Sam was truly like a sister to me, and I really hope she is ok, I can't say I'm not feeling on edge about the messages on Sam's phone, due to personal suicidal content, and details of my childhood abuse, but I am trying to put those thoughts out of my mind as much as possible  for now I think I have to just forget about that, and focus on myself 

Today I'm off to Mind for a few hours, before heading to the pub for a carvery, as always, it's Monday, and I do look forward to it, it has to be one of the most relaxing pubs there are, I look forward to seeing the staff, and their positivity, I love the way Steph the land lady always asks if I'm ok, and what I'm having, despite already knowing, I have the same every week, unless it's my birthday, of course 

I go to my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, Huw my counsellor is picking me, and going with me, so I know it'll be ok, not really looking forward to it, but I'll get time to chat with Huw first, so that's pretty cool, he's the best person to keep me calm, there are things he does to keep me calm, that I don't even think he realises, he does, I think their just instinctive

I really hope the man you support turns a corner and doesn't lose his flat, it'd be such a shame, he sounds a lot like me to be fair, ending up with so called friends latching on, sometimes it's hard to accept that their not really friends, although as time has gone by, I've been a lot more selective about who my friends are, and who I trust 

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x